Dating Wizard Blog

Blog 21 - Going Underground.

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 09:50:00 +0000

There’s only one answer to this whole mess – going AWOL. Interfering (although it was with the best of intentions) completely backfired and has ended up hurting someone else and leaving me feeling like a prize idiot. Lets face it, nobody wants to be on the moral low-ground. I have been ignoring HS’s e-mails, texts and calls for over two weeks now. It doesn’t come naturally because I’m not the sort of person to ignore things or bury my head in the sand but I’ve decided that entering into dialogue of any sort with him will only do more damage. I don’t deny the part I’ve played in his whole mess but that’s just it; it’s his mess so he should be left to deal with it himself. Judging by his messages I gather she’s giving it to him with both barrels, and deservedly so. He’s done what every girl in love is terrified her boyfriend will do.

The fact he’s hanging in there and taking his punishment from her must mean he loves her though, either that or he just feels so guilty he thinks he should. This has definitely put me off my search. I don’t want to be involved in causing someone else’s unhappiness and I’m now worried that Karma will prevail and the favour will be returned one day when I think everything is hunky dory. Or maybe this has actually been a necessary lesson for all involved?? HS has realised ‘What goes on tour…’ most definitely doesn’t ‘stay on tour!’. His girlfriend is devastated but has probably realised that withholding sex isn’t the way to fix a stressed relationship even though a bloke should be able to keep it in his pants. I’ve learned to ask if the goods are actually available to buy before you test drive or your conscience could get a nasty prick. I also need to learn the art of backing off, when you find yourself in deeper than expected the worst thing to do is meddle further.

I can’t say I’m feeling sorry for myself as I don’t deserve any sympathy but I really can’t face talking to anyone on the dating site at the moment. My mate told me there are specific dating sites for people looking for ‘extra-curricular fun’. I couldn’t believe it when I googled and found plenty of them assuring potential members of discretion. Now I’m not religious but I believe in the vows you take when you get married so I just don’t get this. I know everyone is human and people make mistakes but why take marriage vows and then pro-actively seek affairs?? This really is a lot of doom and gloom to take in.

This whole situation has prompted a few deep thinking sessions for me. I’ve been wondering about fidelity in our modern society. Most people claim to live to the moral standards of monogamous relationships but the statistics claim something very different so why is this? Some men claim they are not genetically programmed to be faithful, previously I thought this was lame. Maybe now I’m thinking it’s true and that the same probably applies to women according to statistics. So why do we make these promises? Are we kidding ourselves that we can keep them when in reality it’s near impossible. Or does the fact we’ve made them attempt to glue us together through the hard times to give us a better chance of survival? All this uncertainty in my own mind is making me feel very pessimistic. I guess I don’t want to admit that really I’m an old romantic and I can’t bear the thought of not finding ‘the fairytale’ eventually.

CF certainly hasn’t gone AWOL in case you were wondering. He’s been well aware something’s been going on in my life to distract me. Although he can be a complete emotional retard at times he seems to have picked up that my passion for another man isn’t the issue here…there’s just an issue! He’s actually been very sweet company. I have a feeling he’s warming to ‘the fairytale’ after all….

Blog 20 - I try to make amends.

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:11:00 +0000

So HS says he really wants to sort things out with his girlfriend and my encouragement is really helping. He says he knows he shouldn’t have had a fling with me or he should have at least told me he had a girlfriend so I could make an informed decision about getting involved with him. No sh*t Sherlock! I should really just cut all contact now but I feel so guilty that I’ve been part of someone being unfaithful that I try to steer him in the right direction.

He says he hasn’t got anyone sensible to talk to that will give him good advice. It’s definitely a common problem as my male friends have all said that to me at one time or another. Guys don’t talk to their friends in the same detail women do. You won’t catch them having a civilised glass of wine trying to thrash out the reasons their relationship is going wrong and what they can do to put it right. If they do talk to their mates the response is usually minimal pearls of wisdom such as ‘…well I dunno, you better just sort it out mate…’ in between football commentary at the pub. HS relays this practically word for word when I ask what his mates have advised.

So it looks like it’s down to me then…and I feel obliged to continue with the free relationship advisory service seeing as I’ve become part of the problem. I’ve told him to look at some relationship advice websites. Sites like that don’t hold all the answers but they help give you ideas and think in different ways when you don’t know what to do. To be fair to him he’s been doing his research and e-mailing me links that suggest different things and asking for my opinion. Over the last week we’ve had a little routine going where he reads up on some stuff when he’s working late and e-mails me his thoughts for the day. I respond when I get in to work the next morning and give my opinion and some things to think about. Good progress was being made, he seemed truly remorseful about what had happened and truly committed to fixing his relationship.

I felt like this chapter was coming to a happy ending and that soon enough he’d be sending me flowers to thank me for my support and telling me he’d proposed to the girlfriend. That would of course absolve me of all the guilt I felt and confirm that there was some kind of divine reason that our paths had crossed in the first place.

Not so. He text me late last night to say his girlfriend had hacked his hotmail account as she’d been suspicious. She’s read everything we'd ever e-mailed to each other. All the details of what happened skiing, me asking to meet up, him ‘fessing up he’d got a girlfriend and then worse….Him telling more intimate and embarrassing details about his relationship than you’d see in a Woody Allen film.

So she’s not just dealing with the horror of finding out her partner had been unfaithful but also the betrayal of all the secrets he’s shared with me. Oh god, how awful. As soon as he told me he had a girlfriend I should have just cut contact there and then. What was I thinking?? She’ll probably hunt me down and I wouldn’t blame her.

Blog 19 – Warning, this is your conscience testing you!

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:11:00 +0000

So is this the start of something beautiful? Sorry to disappoint you but for some reason I just know it isn’t. I had a great time, it really made the weekend and I’ve been smiling all the way home but I’m not daydreaming about the future. This is fairly abnormal for the average girl, usually a holiday romance would lead to visuals of a white wedding with the grooms speech telling the unlikely circumstances of our meeting. Well not this time. I just don’t have the expected urge to re-unite.

HS texts and e-mails often over the next week. The attention is nice and I like chatting to him in any shape or form. CF is still in the background and hassling to see me since I’ve got back but having someone genuinely interested in my conversation and not just game playing to get a quick shag is refreshing. I’m enjoying the banter so much I’m beginning to wonder why I didn’t think there was a future in it. He hasn’t asked to meet yet but we’re only an hours drive/train ride apart.

I’m starting to have the visuals now, not the psycho wedding ones but romantic weekend in London ones. HS lives in the big smoke and I can just imagine him taking me round all the sites and showing me great little bars us country girls would never find on our own. It would be great, all lovely walks along the south bank and long lay ins after late nights out. So I suggest it.

It appears that’s probably not the best plan….as he coughs up he has a girlfriend. I should have known. I can’t say I’m hugely surprised, I didn’t ask and he didn’t tell me. It’s not like anyone lied and in theory it was perfectly reasonable of me to assume he was single. If I’m really honest though….I thought as much. Which is probably why I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to know. This also explains why he wasn’t as forthcoming as I’d expected when we first hooked up.

I feel terrible now, he’s started pouring out all his relationship troubles to me in a heartfelt e-mail and I’m actually giving him relationship advice. It’s so totally wrong for the woman a guy had a fling with to be dishing out tips on how to sort things out with his girlfriend but I sort of feel I need to try and help as I’m now part of the problem. I’ve point blank told him I’m not going to see him again as friends or otherwise but that he can call or e-mail me if he needs to talk (why did I do that??) Now he’s sending me long e-mails about 3 times a day as if I’m his therapist! This hasn’t helped with my faith in men either seeing as he seemed such a nice down to earth bloke. I can actually see why he’s done it though, he’s really not the nasty conniving type, it’s just him and the missus have got into a rut where he’s been lazy and she’s constantly moaning. The sex has dried up between them as there’s more of a battle of wills than any kind of excitement going on so a holiday fling with someone who’s a bit of a laugh probably seemed just the ticket.

I feel terrible. What if I was her??

Blog 18 - Great Ski Weekend...Not much Skiing!

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:27:00 +0000

The fact I got to ski school on time the following morning was nothing short of a miracle. We were out until all hours partying with the stockbrokers and when HS walked me back to the apartment I’m sure our farewell’s took at least an hour. I felt pretty special that morning but it’s amazing how the fresh air, Italian coffee, lunchtime drinks and a hot shower revived us enough to go out again that night.

HS and I had been texting a lot that day anyway so it was no co-incidence when he walked into ‘Bar Roma’ where we were drinking with his mate Tom. He’d shaken off the rest of the crowd for the night and my lot were off home for an early night knowing that Jane and I would stay out with these guys.

We had a much quieter but still very entertaining evening drinking wine, playing cards and having a really good laugh. Jane and Tom were getting on like a house on fire which left us plenty of time for private conversation, not that it needed to be quiet but you know what it’s like when you’re getting to know someone. Jane is one of those amazing girls who can find something in common with everyone…genuinely, and when it comes to being a pulling sidekick she’s ideal. She’ll merrily make the most of a situation but won’t take it too seriously either.

When the guys walked us home it wasn’t too late and we weren’t too sloshed. I was starry eyed and liking HS more and more by the minute. He didn’t even ask me to go back to his hotel so it felt like we were building something quite genuine. Don’t get me wrong, I hadn’t lost my mojo…..I just wanted to hang it out til the last night!

Our last day skiing was brilliant, the whole team were in such a good mood and it was one of those rare days when the sun was hot but the snow was still powdery. We had a long laughter filled lunch outside and then spent the rest of the afternoon playing ski tag on some little red runs through trees.

Our last night of partying was no let down either. We had a rowdy, drinking game filled sing song after dinner in the same bar as all the stock brokers. HS and I kept on winking at each other and sneaking off for a quick snog but it was important for us to both spend time with our teams on the last night. When they each started trailing off through either drunkenness or tiredness I went and grabbed his hand and said we should go. We walked back to his hotel through the snow holding hands and giggling.

It was a very fun and very passionate night. After very little sleep and giggling goodbyes in the morning I ran back to the apartment I was sharing with Jane to find her with hat and coat on saying the mini-bus was here to take us to the airport! After speed packing and a mouthful of coffee I jumped on the bus to high fives and cheers…They wouldn’t expect any less from me.

Blog 17 – Time to get away and out of the spotlight.

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:25:00 +0000

Lucky for me Mick seemed to actually expect that the event was just a one off. It was like I was crush he’d had for years and now he’d realised the dream he was as happy as a sand boy! I’ve been wiping my brow in relief as I was dreading upsetting Roomy by having this fling with her mate and then having to find a way of tactfully giving him the brush off!

CF arrived home from Aus and when he invited me round to look at his photo’s I did just that. Never mind that I could have just seen them on Facebook. I just can’t defend myself any longer, I am inexplicably attached to a man who is no good for me and gives me very little of what I want or need. I’m well aware of this which is why I don’t treat the ‘situation’ with any respect and keep searching for something better. Familiarity is so nice sometimes though, but I realised the right sentiments weren’t behind it when he fell asleep straight afterwards and didn’t even hear me leaving. I just didn’t feel comfortable falling asleep there too, says a lot really.

Getting into all this strife is so exhausting, I’m definitely ready for a break and the company ski trip couldn’t arrive a minute too soon. There are only six of us in the business and our boss wants us to have fun so it's unlikely there'll be any boring meetings, it really is just a jolly! We are all feeling pretty jammy and in high spirits on the way to the Alps and I personally have really been looking forward to a change of scenery. My skiing is pretty terrible so I can’t wait to brush up on my skills, breath in some fresh mountain air and have a laugh with my work mates.

We are staying in this gorgeous tiny resort in Italy, it’s all very stylish and no rowdy groups anywhere which suits us fine. On the first evening we are all chilling in this lovely bar after dinner. Jane (another singleton) and I are looking around agreeing there’ll be no mischief on the menu this weekend….Until right on cue the doors of swing open and a huge group of guys walk in. They all look between 25 and 40, are well dressed, many are very attractive specimens and I can hear that they’re English. Bingo.

So this is the deal; our ‘manor from heaven’ are stockbrokers on a corporate trip. The rest of the team are shaking their heads in amusement as Jane and I get up and walk to the bar without even saying a word. Queuing at the bar is a great advantage point to cruise the joint from and we identify our targets within about 3 minutes. There’s usually a group within a group if you look carefully and this gang of half a dozen late twenty to early thirty somethings’ suited us down to the ground. Stockbrokers are known to be a sociable bunch so it wasn’t difficult to start the banter.

They turn out to be a great bunch, and don’t even remotely fit the sexist macho stereotype that might be associated with that profession. My attention was on someone quite specific from the moment the crowd walked in however. It was a combination of things that attracted me; his height (6’4”), his t-shirt was my favourite colour (green), his eyes sparkled and his smile shone. I can’t say that he was shy but he wasn’t as forthcoming as I expected him to be after we’d spent some time having a laugh and getting to know each other. At some point in the evening he just seemed to loosen up though, it was like he’d decided he was just going to go with the flow. I don’t think it was the alcohol lubrication but I wouldn’t rule it out!

After that point we separated off into a corner of the bar with Jane and a guy she’d been chatting up all night. We had such a good time, it was snowing outside and we were in one of those warm, laughter filled bubbles of an evening. Jane and I decided we needed to ship out at about 3am because we had ski school booked for 9!!! Whilst snogging to keep warm outside in the cold my handsome stockbroker (HS from now on) tried to persuade me to go back to his hotel room but as much as I was tempted I wanted to see where this would go….and having a one night stand probably wouldn’t take it very far....

Blog 16 - Cougaring

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 16:32:00 +0000

Things have calmed down after Sunday lunch. Roomie has realised she’s being completely daft about Mick and hypocritical in the light of ‘brothergate’. It turns out her and Mick had a few snogs many years ago and although she has claimed this has nothing to do with her objecting I suspect it probably has! We have agreed that I can do as I please but she just doesn’t want to hear about it.

CF is still texting like crazy from Aus. Late at night I can’t help thinking about it and pining like a soppy idiot. If he stopped contacting me then we’d just be able to drift apart but he is obviously still dithering as he just won’t let that happen. When I’m busy and having fun I feel really positive and keep thinking ‘I don’t need him’. So that’s what I’m trying to do…

But I can’t find anything exciting to do so I just keep going out for a few bevies’ with Roomy. I’m not sure if I feel pride or shame when the bouncers on the doors of some of the local bars greet us by name! We’re halfway between patrons and veterans in their eyes I think! So it’s Friday and that’s what we do.

So this is how we roll on an average night out…We stroll to the bar pretending not to notice that anyone else exists but we are of course casing the joint for any potential excitement…or competition. At the bar we pretend to be ensconced in deep conversation with each other but we are just making nonsense small talk whilst operating a deeper scan. The bar man greets us and asks if we’re having our ‘usuals’. We hope no one else heard that, we don’t want to become predictable after all.

In an ideal world whilst drinking and pretending to chat to each other we identify likely targets and start a series of moves including ‘come hither’ eyes, receiving an approach and some small talk. In reality what usually happens is we end up getting sloshed and having some completely unimportant debate that would sound like two drunken tramps arguing to an outsider. The latter is what happened that fateful night. Until about midnight when Mick and his friends walk in.

Well in my partially inebriated state I have completely forgotten the average kiss and he looks even more handsome than usual through my beer goggles! Roomie doesn’t seem to notice my cougar like slobbering over the poor lad. I don’t pounce immediately but if I’m truthful I’ve already decided that will be the outcome later on. Until we are kicked out at about 2am we all have a really good night, drinking and dancing etc…

As soon as everyone pours outside I just disappear to the taxi rank round the corner with Mick. Roomie will know the score, and she’ll also know that by doing it like that I was trying not to rub her nose in it. So this could be a lot of fun…until we rock up outside his house and I think ‘bit big for a young lad of his age’ and realise it’s his parents house! You know me by now, if I’ve committed to something then I’ll always go through with it even if I have the strongest feeling of impending doom/disappointment/disaster!

Well my instinct was right and I should have known better; I am way past creeping up the stairs so as not to wake parents, stepping over guitar amps to get to the bed and waking up to do the walk of shame down past a lounge door where a Dad is sitting with his eyebrows raised.

Blog 15 - Ladies, Please!

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 15:35:00 +0000

You’re not even wondering what I did next because you just know I text back immediately. I can hear you shouting at me but I want him to want me. To justify things in my own tiny little mind I’m elaborating the meaning of his text to also include remorse for him being an idiot, the desperate want to work things out and missing me like crazy. In hindsight I don’t actually think he’s complex enough to fit all those things between the lines but it made me feel better. Within seconds I’m back to square one dreaming about a new life in the sunshine.

It quickly becomes apparent to everyone around me where my head is at again and they’re not least concerned about the size of my international phone bill. I catch Roomy at the worst possible time one night that week – when she’s been at the pub since leaving work. I get a proper dressing down for being a weak idiot in her usual style; few but very cutting words! She says I’m taking the bait he dangles when his ridiculous ego realises I might not be hanging from his coat tails any more. It hurts, but she’s right. My old neighbour is a very well respected psycho analyst and she says he is keeping me at a certain emotional proximity. Too close and he panics, too far away and he pulls me back in. It’s all very messed up and unlikely to lead to happiness.

Roomy says I should distract myself, it’s the only way. She said to get back on the dating site straight away. Then she changed her mind and said the results wouldn’t be immediate enough and that I should make it my business to pull tonight. At that point Roomy’s good mate Mick walks in. Perfect. I have known him as Roomy’s friend for about ten years but didn’t actually notice what a good looking man he’d become until now. He has a beautiful smile, is always bright eyed and bushy tailed and is a lot of fun. As we all meet and greet in the pub Roomy see’s my thoughts flash across my beady little eyes…and takes me to one side in a very un-subtle way. She says not to ‘even think about it’ because he’s like a brother to her. What?? And if even if he was her real brother what’s the big deal? People’s siblings get it together with their friends all the time. In fact it’s a pretty common way of meeting people.

I know better than to try and negotiate with Roomy more than 2 glasses of wine down the road however. As it turns out she’s had enough and is knackered so she stumbles off home pretty quickly…and I’m left with Mick and a load of Roomy’s work mates of which neither of us know so we pretty much only have each other to talk to anyway ;) I love his laugh and the way he’s really quick witted. We have a few drinks and while away about 3 hours without even realising it. He walks me home and we have a snog on the way. Which is ‘nice’ but to be honest I expected more from it, it’s all a bit polite. It’s seems like, I’m his friends friend so he thinks he should be careful with me!

When I get home Roomy is soundo so luckily I don’t get an earful. She doesn’t ask anything the next day either but it’s pretty obvious she’s in a strop with me. It’s ridiculous and I haven’t done anything wrong so I’m not going to waste my breath trying to sort it out. These things always blow over between us, we may be best mates but we’ve always disagreed on a regular basis!

At the weekend we have our neighbours (who have become our mates) over for a long Sunday lunch. It’s always boozy and they think it’s hilarious hearing about all the escapades and drama’s of the party flat downstairs. At one point we’re all sat at the table (pretty well oiled by nice wine from Dr C upstairs) and while everyone else is in conversation I start ruminating about the weeks events. Still pretty flummoxed over why Roomy got the hump about me fancying Mick I suddenly remember something….

‘YOU SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER!’ I shout at her while standing up and pointing like a woman possessed. ‘YOU’VE GOT THE CHEEK TO GIVE ME STICK ABOUT MICK AND YOU SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER 2 YEARS AGO…...AT MY PARENTS PARTY’. The others are sat there staring, covering their mouths half in hilarity and half in shock.
For once, Roomy sits there speechless and with her mouth gaping. Dr C then intervenes; ‘Come on girls, what’s this all about?’. And we explain ourselves like school children. Well, he does cook for us on a pretty regular basis and is always there for medical advice, a shoulder to cry and to feed our cat.

Blog 14 - Will power

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 09:28:00 +0000

So what do I do now? I have been searching far and wide…..what for I’m not even quite sure but a hilarious process of deduction has given me a huge list of what I don’t want; indecisive men, overly soppy men, men who spoil the moment and men that act like they’re 12 in bed.

The lack of other distractions sees me back in the arms of C.F., I am a bit despondent about the situation now as I know deep down he’s not suddenly going to sweep me off my feet with promises of forever! He’s quite transparent and you can see one minute he’s thinking about a future for us and asking me ‘life’ questions and the next he’s got cold feet! I’m really frustrated about the situation and sometimes I think if I just hang in here he’ll come to his senses and shake off this ridiculous fear he obviously has. His brother lives in Australia and he talks about it all the time. He’s off there on holiday in a few weeks and keeps talking about moving there one day. I find myself daydreaming about emigrating together and bringing up children in the sunshine.

Until the following week when my Dad gets taken ill. He’s in hospital which is worrying and various test results are inconclusive. It could just be a very serious migraine or it could be something worse. Mum is all in a flap and you can see she’s not thinking straight when she’s making decisions so me and my brother take over. There definitely comes a time when the children start making the parental decisions within a family. The episode lasts about a week with Dad in and out of hospital and different doctors visiting the house with varying opinions and prescriptions to hand out. It’s all very draining and I don’t have much time for C.F. understandably but I’ve told him what’s going on.

When I do eventually stop and take a breath I’m upset and exhausted and predictably just want a hug in the arms of a man. I get no response to my texts, calls or e-mails for about 48 hours until he decides he’s got the horn and finally get’s back to me. It’s the final straw, I can’t believe how selfish/insensitive/idiotic/simple he can be. I tell him in no uncertain terms not to contact me ever again because I blatantly need to get him out of my system and cold turkey is the only way.

I seem to have lost the energy and momentum needed to meet people from the dating site. I think I’ve tired myself out, I have definitely been burning the candle at both ends for some months and I’m not looking great for it! I spend a week or so off the sauce and trying to catch up on some Z’s. I can’t pretend, I’ve been thinking about C.F. far too much and checking my phone far too regularly. Of course I just want him to turn up with flowers to acknowledge what a sh*t he’s been, apologise and get down on one knee. As I know that’s not going to happen in a million years I just have to lick my wounds and wait for them to heal.

The date arrives that he’s off to Aus for a month, I’ve been watching the calendar wondering if he’ll make contact before he goes but he doesn’t. Of course I’ve been telling my mates it’s definitely over and I’m glad he’s going away but I can’t fool myself.

2 days later however my phone bleeps and it's a multimedia message from him; a photo of him smiling on the beach with the caption ‘Wish you were here, x’

Dammit.

Blog 13 – Square peg in a round hole

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 09:54:00 +0000

I have ended up in a bit of a quagmire. I’ve tried turbo dating as many blokes as possible I've met on the the internet in the name of casting the net wider. Some of them just facilitated funny stories, a couple were great but not right for me, one got too close and had to be warded off and one provided occasional polite company but didn’t expect much more….Or so I thought until he sent me a combination of lavish/thoughtful valentine gifts that wreaked of effort! Behind the scenes there’s been an old friend who I agreed to have a casual fling with (hence referred to as ‘CF') and I predictably got more emotionally entangled than planned. There’s also been a tall handsome stranger who had a fleeting presence but left a lasting impression.

As it stands today the decks are clear apart from David (the gift sender) who has now actually made an official play for me it seems. I had thought CF’s jealousy meant he cared more than he was letting on so I removed my frosty façade for a second and told him I wouldn’t see anyone else for a while to give ‘us’ a chance….well lets just say I drew a blank on that one! I have lost momentum with the dating site as I just got tired of juggling! I just thought David would probably fade into oblivion but it appears not. Lovely, good looking and intelligent guy but a bit nervy around women and not nearly animal enough for me – hence our ‘friendship’ never gaining momentum. The valentines card accompanying the gifts simply said ‘Have dinner with me next week’.

Now there are two obvious schools of thought; 1. Thank him graciously for the flowers and pressie’s but gently ditch him now as you know the chemistry isn’t there and he’s obviously got in a bit too deep. 2. It’s only dinner, he’d be terribly disappointed if I didn’t go after all his effort. I know option 1 is the right thing to do. So I phone him….and go for option 2. When I tell 'Roomy' she just rolls her eyes. David has booked a well renowned fish restaurant near his place, I’m sure it will be a lovely evening and then he’s off on holiday anyway so a bit of space will start the tail off that needs to happen.

He lives a fair drive from me though, he brings this up on the phone and says he could change the restaurant to somewhere nearer or if I wish to stay over he’ll make up the spare room. Now I’m no idiot and this guy is such a gent it’s untrue so when he says ‘spare room’ he means it. I’ll take up the offer, I really want to try this restaurant and it’s his gig after all. I tell him I’ll get there early and bring the bottle of champagne he sent me and we can catch up. As always, it’s nice to see him and he makes me laugh so I relax when we crack the bottle open and start chinwagging.

The restaurant is fab, he recommends a couple of dishes he thinks I’ll like and picks a lovely wine based upon my choice and we chatter away about allsorts. I must admit I’m feeling pretty tipsy when my second glass of wine is poured as we'd already shared that bottle of bubbly earlier but I’m having fun and everything is pretty light hearted so it doesn’t matter. Until I’m looking down boning my fish and I hear words I can’t quite believe;

Him “You’d make a wonderful mother”
Me “What? I mean, pardon?”
Him “I was just saying, I think you’d make a wonderful mother”

I think I dropped my fish bone on the floor. This guy is blatantly looking for a wife, immediately. Luckily I think the wine smoothed over the glitch in conversation and the evening continues. We get a cab back to his place and both fairly giggly decide to play Twister. I’m the sort of person who throws caution to the wind in the name of curiosity fairly often, so I decide to seduce him and see what he’s really made of. There were so many stumbling blocks along the way I should have just given up! He was quite resistant and blatantly nervous but after I’d managed to engineer a snog on the Twister mat and made it fairly obvious what my game was he asks if I want to go to the bedroom. When we get down the hall I attempt to throw myself on the bed like a temptress but he walks out of the room.

Me “Where are you going?”
Him “To brush my teeth”
Me “WHAT??”
Him “To brush my teeth, you do want me to brush my teeth before bed don’t you?”

OMG! Am I supposed to be making his hot milk and getting his pyjama’s out of their teddy case? Why I didn’t call it quits there I’ve got no idea, I could have easily rolled over and feigned sleep. Needless to say, I didn’t. The experience was tiresome at best. Ouch, sorry mate. In the morning, I awoke to the sound of him whistling in the kitchen. Yep, whistling. He was making breakfast and trotting around the kitchen merrily. I ate politely and skiddadled a.s.a.p.

Such a shame, he’s the loveliest guy. He’d always be there for you with his big brown eyes; loyal, faithful and compliant. A bit like a chocolate Labrador really. Marriage material maybe, but not for me!

Blog 12 – Just because you've forgotten them doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten you!

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:04:00 +0000

I have to hold my hands up, there is no progress with CF. Nothing has changed and I must have been fooling myself when I thought he was still ‘thinking about’ what had been said. I just don’t think he knows what he wants and I certainly want more than that!

I’m half chatting to a few guys on the dating site again but not with much gusto. There is soon more drama when I start chatting to a local guy on instant messenger after exchanging a few e-mails. He asks for my number and suggests meeting up at one our local drinking holes to see if we recognise each other as he seems to socialise in all the same places I do. Pretty late that night he text me about arrangements but I was too tired to think straight and reply and ended up falling asleep soon after. I could not believe what I woke to on my phone in the morning!!! He had text me a photo of a girl holding her top up…no bra. I’m flummoxed. The next text says; ‘My ex, what do you think?. I text him back saying not to bother contacting me, I thought it was pretty disrespectful to me and her sending that message considering I doubt her permission was sought and we hadn’t even met yet. I mean, well done mate! No idea why you’re single…Idiot!

I’m recounting this story to my mate Alex at work the next day, he’s been on the dating site too but we hadn’t spoken much about it and he coyly admitted he’d met someone last week. He said her profile picture was great, she looked really pretty and sounded really sweet. She talked about yoga and fitness on her profile, said she liked to look after herself and she was looking forward to meeting someone ‘normal’. When they actually met Alex realised she’d pulled a classic trick; only adding photo’s from the waist up. He walked into some pub to meet her and she was already there sat down. After an hour and two drinks she got up to go to the ladies revealing the most eeeenormous hips and ass that were totally out of proportion with the rest of her body. Now that’s just not playing fair and if I met a guy who had edited out his beer belly then I’d be pretty peeved. Now it gets worse, despite Alex being shocked and not entirely pleased with the size of said lady’s derriere he says he’ll meet her again to see how things go. She texts the day before asking him to bring his cheque book as she’s lost hers and really needs to pay for something. Right. Normal? Maybe in your world luv!

It’s a minefield out there and it appears my little friend with the bad judgement on the appropriateness of texts has not got the message. He texts me again, this time with a picture of his erect penis and a ‘Sorry, will this make it better?’ message below. NO IT WILL NOT! I tell him firmly where to stick it and tell him not to contact me ever again or I’ll report him to the police. I do get a nice reminder that there are sweet people in this world when David texts saying sorry he’s been so busy but he’s been following my favourite TV programme and hopes I’m enjoying it too. But I get a shock on Valentines day….

As a single person it’s really a day to be ignored and I had done just that, I hadn’t even thought about it when I woke up. I got to work and thought nothing of it when the DHL man rang the buzzer, he delivers stuff all the time. The box was for me however, and it was a BIG box. In it were a number of carefully wrapped items and a very pretty card which left no traditional mystery as it was signed ‘Be my valentine, All my love, David, x’. Okaaay. In the box were a number of very carefully chosen items personal to myself; my favourite champagne, my favourite chocolates, the cereal I have always eaten before I go to bed, my favourite board game that I don’t have my own copy of, a punnet of my favourite fruit and a single red rose. I’m quite speechless and halfway between exceptionally impressed and freaked out as his listening skills. In fact, I’m incredulous. I havn’t even told him where I work but I must have mentioned my company name in conversation. The guy is either a genius or had a Dictaphone under the table at all our dates. I text him with profuse thanks and feel terribly guilty I didn’t even send a card.

I spend the rest of the day still reeling about this mornings package, half chuckling and half freaked out! The buzzer soon wakes me up at four o’clock though, it’s an enormous bunch of flowers. Very rare ones, that only grow in certain places in the far east that are hugely expensive to get over here. Only someone who had listened un-naturally carefully would have found the exact flowers or remembered that I had seen them growing in their natural habitat while travelling. The card just says ‘Have dinner with me next week, David x’.

So what do I make of this one??

Blog 11 - The beat goes on....

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:59:00 +0000

So….I have de-cluttered my life on the man front. I’m not going to agree to meet anyone else from the dating site (for now) and I’m going to give CF (casual fling) a chance to be more than just that. Don’t get me wrong….he didn’t exactly sweep in on a white horse but I hadn’t been hanging around like a damsel either. But now I am sat here bored wondering how you initiate the change in a casual arrangement when the other person clearly isn’t sure how to go about it either. It’s Saturday, I have no plans for my weekend….the possibilities are endless! But by 11am I am flummoxed and thinking the possibilities have ended.

CF text me early this morning which woke me with a smile, I had promised myself a run and he said to run round to his and he’d make me breakfast. So I did, he thought it hilarious when I turned up on his doorstep panting and actually thought I was joking when I’d agreed. We had bacon sarnies and watched ‘Saturday Kitchen’ chatting and mucking around…and then, after a bit, I just didn’t know if he wanted me to stay or go. He didn’t ask if I fancied doing anything in the afternoon or what the rest of my weekend held. It just fizzled. So I’m back home and wondering what to do with myself.

Maybe this is an important lesson, I didn’t think men ruled my world or filled my every minute because maybe there were so many suspects buzzing around in bits I couldn’t see what they amounted to cumulatively. So….Roomy is working. L is working. J is working (why do my mates have to have jobs that take up Saturdays?!) Mrs T and F are at balloon filled childrens parties. The weather is crap, I’ve had my run….I guess it’s a lone shopping day for me then!

I pile in the door with bags of gorgeous clothes that I can’t afford about 6 o'clock to find Roomy tucking into a bottle of wine and very pleased to see me as it seems every sole in her phonebook has also gone AWOL and she’s been having pangs about her ex-boyfriend. She admits he stayed over when I was out the other night and she’s not sure what it’s all about. Ooooh dear, well I definitely owe her a listening ear but my phone interrupts, OMG it’s the handsome giant! His deep voice reduces me to a fit of giggles and I’m blatantly swaying all over the place like a love struck teenager and playing with my hair while Roomy looks at me in mock disgust at my pathetic transformation.

Sunday lunch he said, what harm can that possibly be??? Roomy is looking at me with her ‘you can’t fool me face’. I know nothing is going to come of it. In fact, I sort of have this feeling he’s actually seeing someone else but he hasn’t told me and I haven’t asked. I know that sounds like I’m relinquishing responsibility to the sisterhood but surely it’s his call to tell me? Roomy is still looking at me and now it’s in a ‘don’t ask me to absolve you’ kind of way. And then she asks me what happened to my plan to clear the decks and make way for an opportunity with CF. Good question, but I feel a little lost. CF is obviously still thinking about what I said last week and he hasn’t acted on it….so the resolution doesn’t have to start just yet ;)

Sunday lunch was good. Real good. The handsome giant has this way of making you feel like you’re the only woman in the world. We went out for a drive around the pretty villages near him and stopped for a roast at a lovely pub. We were there for hours chatting and laughing. I think if anyone had seen us they’d have thought he was utterly besotted with me. But I know he’s not, he’s just utterly besotted with any woman who happens to be in front of him at the time. I returned home from Sunday lunch on Monday morning. I wasn’t looking great when I turned up at work! I have to say I made the most of it, it’s not just about sex either but affection too. He’s very tactile and I haven’t really allowed anyone to get close to me in a long time. I could with him, because I knew I wouldn’t see him again. I knew that when I kissed him goodbye on Monday morning I could savour every moment of the previous night and not worry about getting attached because there wouldn’t ever be a next time.

I was right, he called me the following week to say he thought a lot of me but he had also been seeing another girl. Although it wasn’t anything official he knew it had got to the stage where he had to make a choice and he said he couldn’t give her up. I told him to go with it and that was great. I actually know in my heart he was being genuine and not economical with the truth for a change. I felt a bit sad, but also glad to have had a few snatched moments with someone so dynamic. I think it’s meant to be like this and Mr & Mrs T still don’t know I went against their recommendations….I feel bad but they just don’t need to know.

So, it’s just me…CF and the waiting game again then.

Blog 10 – It’s time to admit the truth…but not to everyone!

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 14:42:00 +0000

So as much as Roomy doesn’t like it and I wish it were some other way….I need to admit to myself that CF is not really just a Casual Fling to me. I really want it to work out between us and although he said he ‘wasn’t ready’ those aren’t the signals he’s giving out. Why else would he have gone crazy about my textual slip? I suppose I decided to play hard ball and not hide my other dates partly to punish him for being an idiot and partly to protect myself. That’s all very logical but if I do really want to give it a chance then I think I’m going to have to ‘risk it for a biscuit’. Sooo on Friday night when he predictably asks what I’m up to I go round to his for a bit, he knows I’ve only got a couple of hours as I’ve promised Roomy we’ll go out for a few late bevies. When I go to leave I tell him that I’ve decided I’m not going to see anyone else for a while, he seems pleased but I don’t know how I’ve come to that conclusion as he doesn’t really say much! I just don’t think he was expecting me to be sensible for a change and is probably processing the information.

When I get back to the flat I recount things to Roomy, she’s surprisingly supportive and says it’s a fair way to decide whether CF and I are ever going to be anything more than just a CF. Then she asks me what I’m going to do about the date with Mark the following night for the ‘secret gig’. Oh shit, this isn’t going to be easy. Despite the fact I’m fairly sure he’s going to be devastated that I’m blowing him out he’s gone to all the trouble of getting tickets to see some band that he knows I love. How am I going to deal with this?? We do what all sensible people do in a crisis and pour a couple of G&T’s. Then we have a few more while we’re getting ready to go out, I decide I should phone him….now, and it goes something like this;

Mark “Hello, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you tonight!”
Me “I know, sorry to call unexpectedly but I need to talk to you”
Mark “Oh right, are you ok?”
Me “Yes I’m fine, er no, not really. Look, I can’t come tomorrow”
Mark “Oh no, that’s such a shame I’ve been looking forward to it so much! Well don’t worry I reckon my mate will go with me tomorrow, I’ll take you out for Sunday lunch instead”
Me “No, I can’t….I’m sorry I can’t see you again”
Mark “What? Where has this come from? I don’t understand, why can’t you come tomorrow and what’s happened to bring this on?”

Now I’m thinking f***….I’ve got to explain myself but I can’t tell him the f***ing truth!

Me “I can’t come because I might be pregnant” OMG what am I doing???? Why did I say that? Roomie is watching me with her hands clapped over her mouth in shock. I am so going to burn in hell for this! And just to pre-empt what you’re thinking…I haven’t even slept with Mark! There is complete silence on the other end of the phone.

Me “Look, I was seeing someone on and off for a while before I met you and I’m not sure what’s going to happen but this changes everything”
Mark “Oh my god I’m so sorry, you sound so upset. Are you ok? Do you want me to come and see you?” What? Is the man insane? He should be screaming at me and calling me a slut by now! Why did I have to get the understanding guy who still wants to stick around even when I’ve given him one of the most heinous excuses why I can’t see him?!
Me “No, no. Roomy’s here with me. I’m afraid I just want to be left alone really, I’m so so sorry to do this to you””
Mark “Okay, I see. Please call me if you need anything though, anything at all. Even if you just want a chat. I hope everything will be ok….”

And we sign off after a bit more of me playing the injured bird to try and hide what an evil witch I really am and him trying to persuade me that I really do need him even though he believes I may be impregnated with another mans spawn”

Roomy is incredulous, and she’s known me for 15 years! We pour another drink and go out on the town ten minutes later. Poor Mark.

Blog 9 - Treading Water

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 15:53:00 +0000

Now I’m not saying I think it’s ok that I accidentally dropped a text containing all the dirty laundry of an encounter with another man to my CF but I don’t understand the crazy reaction either. If he really doesn’t want anything serious and wants to keep me at arms length then why would he go so freakin’ crazy about this?? If I’d had to predict his reaction then I’d think it would be more of a low key ‘I don’t think that was meant for me text’ and the cold shoulder for a week. I suppose it’s one of two things; he either really does care about me or is just attention seeking and jealous. I’d like it to be the former, sadly I think it’s the latter. Well I’ve apologised (not for going elsewhere – he chose this set up) and will leave him be for a bit.

The new week commences without further drama luckily. David calls me for a chat and we’re on the phone for an hour laughing and joking. I really haven’t thought too deeply about the potential outcome between us. I enjoy talking to him, he’s very intelligent and cheerful but as I’ve said before he doesn’t exactly light my fire. He offers to take me out for dinner on Friday though and it sounds good to me, any excuse to get dressed up!

Of course men are like busses and Mark calls saying he’s been dying to see me and wondering what I’ve been so busy with (?!?!! ;). He says he’d have hassled me more for another date but he’s just about to complete on a flat he’s buying and it’s taking up all his time. He knows I’ve got tickets to see a band that I really like on Saturday and he asks if I’m still going, all my mates have let me down so I tell him I was planning on selling the tickets on ebay. He tells me excitedly that his mates have got a spare ticket for him so we can all go together if I still want to go. He also says he’s got some tickets for someone he knows I want to see the following week, he won’t tell me who it is and we like a lot of the same bands so I’m quite excited! It’s lovely and I’ve accepted but I kind of feel guilty now because he’s blatantly going to a lot of effort and I’m all over the place! Oh well, he doesn’t need to know that. I’m just hoping that the knight in shining armour will make himself more obvious so I can un-complicate my life a bit!

Well dinner with David was ‘nice’. He was a gent, we had fun, had a peck before he got his train. He’s a lovely chap but I just don’t have much more to say on the subject! The gig with Mark was a bit more intense however; the ‘friends’ turned out to be his best mate and girlfriend who are pretty much his second family. I felt like I was being interviewed for the role of his intended! They were very nice and all but waaaay too interested in me and what I’m all about. It did shake my cool exterior a little as one thing about dating all these men is that I suppose I can be who I want to be around them and they pretty much drink it up because they want to believe it. We had a few bevies and relaxed however but Mark got soppier as the evening wore on. He was really looking at me with the biggest puppy dog eyes and it’s the first time I’ve thought ‘I’m just not sure I’m ready for this!’ as it wasn’t just lust, I could have coped if it was!

By Sunday CF seems to have recovered from his outburst last week and calls to see if I want a roast dinner and a DVD (we all know what a ‘DVD’ means!). It’s cool by me, we knock around together, the subject of last weeks drama isn’t mentioned and it’s nice to catch up. I’ve missed him, dare I say it. I don’t stay over, I never do and I’m not sure how that’s happened but I think that next level of intimacy would have made things a whole lot messier. I haven’t actually just had ‘a cuddle’ with a man in a long, long time. I’m not saying that’s good or bad, just passing comment really. This is hard to admit but I don’t like just getting up and leaving afterwards and sometimes in the car on the way home I actually get a bit upset. I usually go home and have a contemplative glass of wine and cigarette on the balcony wondering how on earth I ended up like this!

Blog 8 - OMG, OMG, Whoops!

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 12:47:00 +0000

I have been so knackered this week, not surprising really! I’ve gone a bit AWOL from the dating site and my casual fling (CF). If I’m brutally honest he always stops hassling me for a few days after he’s got his oats anyway, which doesn’t make me feel great and makes him look about as complex as your average Neanderthal. I’ve been spending most of my time watching TV with Roomie, we are quite good at saying nothing when we are tired, we can communicate how we want our tea made with the raise of a single eyebrow!

I have been having some ‘textual’ activity though…with the hunky giant. You must know me by now, I’m impatient when curious. I sent him a cheeky text about his deep voice after he left me his number. It quickly degenerated however, he’s no shy boy and although I don’t know much about him and have only met him for about 20 seconds I’m perfectly comfortable with it all for some reason. Raring to go in fact! I’m not a great sleeper anyway so even though I’ve been attempting early nights I’ve been exchanging multi-media excitement with the hunky giant until the wee small hours a few nights on the trot now – Yep, that’s right…I mean photo’s! Good God I hope they never end up on the internet!

Mark and I only really speak briefly on e-mail, he asks what I’m up to at the weekend, I make my excuses even though I have positively zero plans! I think he’s an absolutely lovely person but I just want to go with the flow for a change and not have every minute of my weekend pre-determined. He must think I'm blowing very hot and cold! I’d quite like to go out boozing with Roomy and just have a laugh. Of course, I don’t remain a free spirit for long….I get a phone call on Friday morning from the deep voice that makes my knees go weak; ‘Come for dinner with me, tonight’. How can I refuse?

He lives a 45 minute drive away and offers to come to me but I know, I just know what will happen and I haven’t invited any guys back to my place since my ex and I split up. I’m not sensitive about the past at all but it would just be weird and I’m not inclined to explain what’s happened. I’ve loved it being a party flat for Roomy and I but it’s also our sanctuary in difficult times. I tell the hunky giant what time I’ll be with him and to book somewhere nice. So, in summary – I’m just about to drive 45 minutes for date with a guy I’ve met for less than a minute, wine with dinner will probably put paid to driving home and I know he’s a sexual deviant from his texts. Am I brave or stupid? No idea, just excited at the moment!

I’m well aware this could go either way but as soon as he opens the door I know it’s going to be a great evening. We just start chatting non stop and he opens a bottle of wine while ordering a taxi. We are blatantly sizing each other up like animals the whole time we are talking, we seem to understand each others objectives.

Well I didn’t eat much of my dinner for talking and laughing so much. It’s really refreshing to be in the company of someone who seems to find my sense of humour hilarious instead of offensive which is good going a bottle and a half of wine in. We go to a small bar afterwards where there’s some live music for more drinking and dancing. To cut a long story short I return home the following afternoon absolutely exhausted. The lasting image imprinted on my brain is of him sat at his piano, naked and singing to me at 4am.

He’s a very clever and dangerous man, I’m under no illusion and have no intention of getting involved. Mrs T told me why Mr T thinks he’s a rotter with the ladies; he has a great job and works away a lot. His last long term girlfriend was apparently lovely and a stunner but it didn’t stop him from straying. They were on the phone one night when he was working away, when he said his goodbyes he didn’t hang up properly and neither did she. She apparently heard every second of his subsequent illicit hotel room encounter over the phone. Whoops, I think she took scissors to his wardrobe.

Luckily Roomy doesn’t want me to go out boozing as I’m shattered. We watch crap on TV and share pizza on the sofa. Seeing as I went AWOL for 24 hours I’m sat idly responding to texts while chatting. My mate L loves hearing my shenanigans, we call it ‘Grub Club’ and I know she’ll want an update. Then the phone rings and it’s CF, Shouting at me!

Once he’s calmed down a bit I can make out the words, it turns out I’ve sent a pretty explicit account of last nights events to him by mistake. OMG, OMG, Whoops!

Blog 7 - Exhausted

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 10:27:00 +0000

I’m not sure if I’m hard to please or if I just read into the meaning of peoples choices too deeply, but in reference to Mark’s choice of restaurant; he’s pleased me and it shows he ‘gets me’, you get me??. It’s in the old part of the city and the front hasn’t been changed in many years and still has the beautiful big curved windows that lead to the door and lots of art nouveau stained glass. Inside all the original woodwork is still there, it has a high ceiling with an old domed skylight and plants hanging from the rafters like a Parisienne café circa 1910. I love it. All the tables and chairs are odd, I collect old wooden chairs from car boot sales and junk shops. When I sit down I notice the one next to me is exactly the same as one I have in my bedroom, which is very odd considering it’s about 80 years old and Mark doesn’t even think I’m a crackpot when I start wittering on about this chair. Lets face it, most blokes would be like ‘yeah, whatever luv!’.I have the most amazing Beef Wellington I have ever tasted and we talk non-stop, the boy did good.

After dinner we go for a walk around the old city walls and at a point overlooking the water and the city lights I just stop, turn around and go in for the snog. He’s slightly taken aback! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just want to know if there’s a physical connection or not – simple as that. It’s not like I want to jump into bed with all the good dates I have but I would if I felt like it, I’m not ashamed to say that. I think so many people are in denial that as long as you ‘get along’ then sex isn’t that important which is such crap. It’s the only thing that sets you apart from being friends! When you’re with someone (after the honeymoon period) you take things out on them just because they’re nearest, its perfectly natural but there’s got to be a reward for putting up with that from each other and I believe it’s the physical stuff.

Anyway, we have a good snog, it’s nice but he doesn’t exactly say ‘That’s it, you’re coming back to mine…’ It seems the modern man would never do that, its just not the way to treat a lady. Well maybe I want a real man and I ain’t no lady! ;) Hmm, he wants to see me next week. So what do I do next? I start driving home, switch on my phone to a barrage of texts from Casual Fling (CF) and I go round there. Do I feel bad? Not really. I’m still a free agent.

I am knackered for work the next day because I stayed up late with CF, he didn’t ask where I’d been and I didn’t tell him. We had a catch up, a good laugh, watched a film etc…. Stupidly I have a lunch date from the website arranged which was a ridiculous date to make on a Monday as I was guaranteed to be tired from the weekend. He works nearby and we meet for a drink in a local bar. His photo’s looked lovely; tall, dark because his mother is Indonesian, wants to re-train as a life coach (is that great or wanky??), well he can start with coaching me if he likes! Guess what – he looks about 12 in the flesh and his communication skills are about that level too. Maybe I’m just tired and intolerant but I am so rude to him, I practically implied that we weren’t quite in the same league and he should just hop it back to playschool. Whoops. I feel bad then, I need to ‘check myself’ as they say in the hood.

I spend the afternoon thinking about nothing but a good night’s sleep, however, I will have the wrath of Roomie to face as she will want to know where I got to last night. I’m just daydreaming about this while making tea in the kitchen at work when my mobile rings, it’s a really deep handsome sounding voice. I can’t freaking believe it – it’s only the super tall gorgeous guy at my mates house from yesterday! He called Mr&Mrs T to ask for my number, apparently after much squabbling between themselves Mrs T persuaded Mr T to hand over my number and leave us to it! Well we have a little chat and he’s pretty straight talking, just says he liked the look of me and wants to find out more. He makes me go all giggly which is hilarious, he knows I can’t chat for long because I’m at work but tells me I have his number now so I can text him whenever I want! I return from the kitchen red faced and excited which must have looked a bit suspicious ;)

David then text to say he was hoping we could fix up another dinner soon but he was going to be away on a training course and then subsequently working 2 weekends. I can’t say I’m devastated. Meanwhile Mark left a voicemail saying how much he enjoyed our date and wanted to know when he could see me again. How lovely, but all I can think about is the hunky giant, I think he might be just the kind of beast I’ve looking for……

Blog 6 - Burning the Candle at Both Ends

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:52:00 +0000

It’s rare to get all my mates together as we aren’t all one big group and not everyone knows each other that well. It’s a mix of the few school friends I’m still in touch with and friends I’ve met through work and in some odd places throughout life. There’s ten of us and I’m really excited we are all going out for a big rowdy dinner, a few glasses of vino and a catch up. All my mates are so different I love the eclectic mix they make together.

Not all of them know I’m on this dating website so they are all hugely curious when gossip gets round the table. They laughed so much when I told them about the guy with the glass eye that J nearly fell off her chair into L who promptly launched a bit of garlic bread across the table into F’s wine glass. They are all convinced that David is ‘the one’ but I’m not convinced. I’m quite willing to explore further but I can’t say that I’m bothered he’s off on holiday for 2 weeks and we havn’t set another date. Although I really enjoyed our date and it culminated in a snog I get the feeling I’ve seen all there is to see about David. I’m more excited about dinner with Mark tomorrow to be honest. We all have a wicked night but yet again I’m distracted by texts from ‘casual fling’ asking where I am, and when I say I’m busy for the rest of the weekend he throws his toys out of his pram. I’ll deal with him tomorrow……

‘Roomie’ and I have a quiet chat in a corner, well it’s not quiet at all actually, she’s been hitting the wine hard and the music is loud in this bar we’ve gone to so it’s a bit of a shouty chat at this point. Although we live together we often pass like ships in the night so a good chat sometimes only happens on nights out. She tells me to stop texting ‘casual fling’ because he’s a waste of space, she is not his biggest fan! She never looks for confrontation but if you lubricate her with a drink or two she’ll tell you your fortune! I try to defend the situation somehow but I’m just proving to myself that I do care more than I let on and I’m letting him dominate my life more than I should. Roomie tells me in her inebriated state that I’m always going to find fault with anyone I date while he’s still in the picture because I’m always going to be subconsciously holding back in case he clicks his fingers. She’s known me for 15 years, she isn’t far wrong.

Sundays sees more of a hangover than I had planned but this is the first time in so many years I’ve been living as a single girl, Roomie and I are loving the convenience of my flat in town and making the most of it before it sells as it’s on the market. I get a lot of invitations to do things now I’m on my own because I think people worry about me being on my own, fat chance – I rarely get time to scratch my arse these days. It also seems far more acceptable to open a bottle of wine if Roomie comes home and fancies telling me about her day.

When I’ve stopped feeling so fuzzy I pop over to see my mate T and her kids. I havn’t got long but I know she’ll always have a cup of tea and a biscuit in the kitchen for me. Her gorgeous 2 year old is trying to talk and is running me ragged asking me to chase him. Mr T is in the lounge with a few mates watching rugby, he works odd hours so this is a rare treat for him. When he shouts that the kid is in front of the TV screen I make chase on all fours into the lounge, grab the little one, giggle and look up to see this enormous and gorgeous man standing over me grinning. I go red and run back into the kitchen. When the match is over I wander into the lounge and end up having a brief chat with the handsome giant. He has a lovely deeo voice, we talk for all of 2 minutes and he has to go. When I enquire with Mr T about his mate he tells me in no uncertain terms that the guy is a ratbag with women and not to go there which just pricks my curiosity even further!

Head spinning and late as usual I make my way to meet Mark outside this restaurant I’ve never heard of. It turns out to be lovely, he’s pitched me just right…………….

Blog 5 - Pulled From Pillar To Post...

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 08:33:00 +0000

So the conversation with my ‘casual fling’ who himself decided we shouldn’t be answerable to each other goes something like this;
Him ‘I havn’t seen you in a week, you don’t text as much as usual and you didn’t answer my call yesterday’.
Me ‘I’ve just been busy, I’m sure you’ve been managing without me’.
Him ‘Look, I’m not stupid I know you’ve been going out on dates. The grapevine works pretty quickly you know.
Me ‘I never thought you were stupid, I’m not going to hide anything from you but I’m not going to e-mail you my social calendar’
Him ‘So what’s he like then?’
Me ‘Who?’
Him ‘This guy you’ve been dating’
Me ‘There is no guy, it’s different people’
Him ‘Oh brilliant so there’s loads of them’
Me ‘I didn’t say loads, Jesus! They’re only dates and anyway why have you got a bee in your bonnet? You’re the one who “isn’t ready” for anything serious anyway’
Him ‘Don’t take the piss Dani’…..

Well I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, surely if he really wanted to make a go of things after all then he’d tell me to stop seeing anyone else, take me off the market and have a proper try at things. I’ve just re-read the conversation and it sounds like I’m a right bitch but I’m not, I do want things to work out with him but when I was free and single with not a date in sight he crapped himself at the first sign of us getting involved and made it crystal clear he wasn’t up for that. This is how we came to our agreement, we’re only supposed to be providing ‘company’ for each other when it suits and he’s clear I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to get over his commitment phobia.

It upsets me, he upsets me a lot in fact because if truth be told my heart would like things to work out between us but my head knows he’s going to blow hot and cold on me a thousand times so I know I’d be silly to direct my energy towards him. I’m such an idiot, I went round in response to a barrage of texts and calls to pop in and see him even though I said I was busy, he can be really persistent but then he’s a salesperson like myself so I shouldn’t fall for his tricks. I’m now late for a train to meet David for our second date so this really isn’t a good start but if truth be told I wanted ‘casual fling’ to see me all dressed up and know what he’s missing out on by playing silly games.

I have a word with myself on the train before touching up my make up and when I see David he looks immaculately turned out as I expected. He’s slightly flushed and says he’s run to meet me as he was also running late and the fact he hasn’t had time to get nervous shows through. He greets me with a big hug and kiss on the cheek showing he’s genuinely really glad to see me. It’s nice and I’ve erased the evenings earlier drama’s from memory already. We chatter away over a couple of cocktails in a nice bar on the marina and the difference is dramatic from our strained first date. Apart from me nearly choking on my overly peppered main course (I hate pepper) it was a really fun evening, we had a couple more drinks after dinner and had a really good laugh. When he walked me to the station to catch the last train I missed it because we were snogging like teenagers on the platform! It actually pulled up, collected passengers and went again without us noticing. Now I am a proud woman but I have to say I thought it was really gentlemanly when he insisted on pre-paying the cab driver for my taxi home.

So I wake up slightly hungover but much happier on Saturday and I’m right off the idea of placating ‘casual fling’ when he starts hassling me by text. Not that I’ve suddenly decided David is ‘the one’ or anything but just because David’s behaviour has shown me I deserve better. I’m seeing a whole group of my girlfriends for pizza tonight and they are going to want a detailed update. I better go easy on the wine though, I need to be fresh faced for my dinner date with Mark tomorrow……

Blog 4 - It gets worse before it gets better

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 09:42:00 +0000

My Roomie meeting a nutter hasn’t put me off, he wasn’t dangerous – just deluded! We are still spending far too much time on adjacent laptops scouring our new favourite website for the men of our dreams. I crack on with squeezing a few more dates into my already busy social calendar and it’s like my dirty little secret. A wise old lady once told me not to care what people think of you because other peoples opinions are none of your business. Fair enough, but I still don’t want to be judged as desperate or for people to think I must have something wrong with me (ugly lady garden maybe?) to be 26, not a complete minger and on a dating site! I find myself telling my Mum I can’t make dinner because I’m stuck in meetings after hours when really I’m sat waiting to interview the next candidate in a bar somewhere!

I exchange a few e-mails with an estate agent who lives a few miles away. I can’t say it’s a profession I fancy marrying into but surely it means he’s a good communicator and has the tenacity and drive that David could do with! He’s only got one photo and it’s been taken on his mobile in the mirror by the look of but I’ve given up judging appearances from photo’s. We have a quick chat on the phone and he’s really lively and enthusiastic and asks for a date straight away so coffee on Saturday lunchtime is agreed.

I’m not a lazy person and not even tired but for some reason I can’t be bothered to walk the 2 minutes from the nearest car park so I just take a space on the street with a maximum stay of 1 hour. I can see through the window of the little French café there’s a guy waiting with the tell tale posture of expectation. When I walk in he knows it’s me and immediately stands up to greet me politely. He’s very tall and dressed like…..something out of the early 90’s?? Pinstripe flat fronted trousers, larger than life loafers and an open collared shirt with a silver chain of the fake designer variety (maybe Giorgia Amandi – you know the sort!). I’ve noted this all in the space of a nano-second but (in text speak) if that didn’t make me ‘pmsl’ enough the glass eye did. I’m not kidding. You couldn’t make this stuff up.

Bless him, he’s very clean and well ironed in the last decades fashions and has lovely manners but the failure to mention the replacement article in his face did leave me a little shocked. His nervous twitches and booming laugh at all the wrong points in the conversation did nothing to help me overlook the physical aspect of things. Thank god I have a bona fide excuse to leg it before I get a parking ticket just as I’d taken the last sip of my cappuccino. He was a cracker!

Later that day David called to ask me out for dinner and drinks the following Friday at this nice Marina in the next town, it sounds good and hopefully a few glasses of whatever will have the desired effect. In the meantime I’ve arranged to meet a guy called Mark for an after work drink on Thursday, he works in finance but is really into his music and festivals and comes across as really down to earth but my expectations have totally dropped after my encounter with One Eye’d Willy! Well I couldn’t have been more wrong, I walk up the steps and through the door of the bar to see Marks beautiful smile and enormous brown eyes. He looks pretty dapper in his suit but his hair is dark and messy and curly showing he’s not all squeaky clean! We sit down chatting and laughing and exchanging gig stories for about 2 hours. He’s relaxed and funny and it’s just all I had ever hoped a first date would be. We talk about family, friends and work and he just seems to catch my drift about everything. I don’t feel I have to sensor my humour (I do for most people!) and I leave on a high with dinner arranged for the following Sunday there and then.

So now I’m right in the thick of it dating like a New Yorker and what I’ve negated to tell you is that all this time I’ve sort of been ‘involved’ with a friend of a friend. So why am I still searching if I’m seeing someone you ask? Well I’ve known this guy for years and used to fancy him when I was about 18. We bumped into each other soon after I became single and lots of coffee’s, texts and e-mails ensued. I got quite excited about it all actually but it quite quickly became apparent that he was a commitment-phobe and was still reeling in the wake of a dysfunctional relationship. If truth be told I am still hoping it’ll work out but he knows I’m on this dating site and hasn’t tried to stop me so I guess that tells me it isn’t going to. I don’t have any intention of cutting it off right now though because I’m craving male company when it suits and a girl has needs to be fulfilled and I’ve got no intention of crawling bars and taking home drunk strangers for that!

But soon starts kicking up a fuss when I’m not as ‘available’ as usual due to my heavy dating schedule…..

Blog 3 - From Nil-Point to Nutter!

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:44:00 +0000

Luckily he’s not wearing a vest and geek glasses but there is definitely something a bit ‘Mr Muscle’ about him. He doesn’t have a very ‘manly’ walk and his hair looks suspiciously like his mothers spittle was involved in the styling process. His voice seems a bit weak and high pitched in reality and I immediately remember a sales tip I was told years ago; your voice sounds an octave lower on the phone so always pitch up to sound cheerful.

Right there in the bar while saying polite hello’s I have hit the harsh realisation that photographs and telephone voice do not maketh a man. It’s about the mannerisms, confidence and swagger which can only truly be seen in the flesh. It’s crystal clear that David does not have the gravitas I had hoped for but we got on so well on the phone I’m hoping this first impression will fade. We sit down and chat for about an hour but to be honest I couldn’t hear much, the bar wasn’t that noisy but he just wasn’t adjusting his voice accordingly. Now, I can make conversation with a blind mute if need be and it’s my job to be able to lead a conversation with poor communicators but I don’t want to have to do this on a date!

I can’t work it out really, well I can but I’m disappointed so I’m trying not to listen to myself. He’s clearly a really genuine guy, he’s intelligent and has some lovely physical features but when you put the whole package together his lack of experience with women is quite apparent and his presence just generally lacks impact. When we said our goodbye’s he said he’d call me the following day and we left it at that. I saw him drive off (at least he has a nice car) and went home to spill the beans to my flat mate (or Roomie as we called each other since we moved in together). She said to give it another chance and not to underestimate the power that nerves have over some people even if they don’t affect me.

Fair play to the guy – he wasn’t deluded and he knew that sparks didn’t exactly fly but he called….and he asked how I thought the date went. It’s not like me but I didn’t have the heart to really tell him how freakin’ terrible I thought it was so I just explained that it was a bit strange meeting up after having already built up a persona in my head. I wasn’t mistaken, he is a sharp cookie – he may be lacking many things but his honesty in assessing the situation was admirable. He said he thought it was a terrible date, really strained and didn’t reflect how well we’d been getting on by phone. At least he got it off his chest! We ended up having a good laugh about it, putting it all down to nerves and arranged to have dinner and a couple of beers to lubricate any future tete a tete’s.

I’m not the sort of person to put all my eggs in one basket however, meanwhile I’ve still been scouring the profiles and checking out any new talent coming onto the market. I’ve been enjoying cheeky e-mail chats with a few of the respondents from my initial e-mail campaign. Some had blatantly got their Mum’s to write their profiles because they couldn’t string a sentence together when left to their own devices but I have arranged a few more dates as a result of better communications, none of them fill me with as much excitement as when I initially found David’s profile but I’ve realised that’s irrelevant - you can’t tell the ripeness of a peach by a photo after all!

My ‘Roomie’ has also registered on the same dating site, it’s been hilarious because it’s like our new favourite hobby. We’ve spent hours sat on the sofa on our laptops comparing profiles of guys we like the look of. We’ve also been cyber hit on by lots of the same men which is funny. There was one guy whose profile was a bit sparse and his picture wasn’t terribly clear but we had both exchanged a few messages with him as he liked all the same bands as we do.

Roomie arranged a date with this guy in one of our locals and I might have done the same depending on the outcome, we’ve never had jealousy issues between us you see. Apparently he had the conversational skills of a mute but the one thing he wanted to know was if she was in contact with anyone else on the site. Roomie was flummoxed by this and obviously said yes, that’s the point surely! He thought that was bad form and that she shouldn’t be shopping around anymore. Just to clarify; this is five minutes into a bad date with someone she’s met on the internet and he’s demanding loyalty. Well Roomie obviously didn’t want it to go any further anyway as it was clear matey was harbouring issues but she was incensed! She said that was ridiculous and he was a hypocrite anyway as he’d been messaging me. She told him my user name and what he’d said to me just to rub salt in the wound but he denied it and ran out of the pub.

That’s nutter no.1 off the list then!

Blog 2 - Finally Bagging The First Date...

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:42:00 +0000

It turns out that every time a new bit of livestock comes to market on this dating site potential prospects are alerted by e-mail which may explain the influx of interest. The guys who chose the option to just press a button and ‘wink’ at me are immediately categorised as being either shy or lazy, and woe betide the ones who bothered to e-mail and spelled something wrong. I received at least half a dozen messages from guys asking why I’d dressed up as a potato which just left me incredulous. I mean what a stupid thing to ask, isn’t it obvious that I was dressing the potato up? This isn’t going be as easy as I thought and it’s clear that as usual, I’m going to have to do the hunting to get what I want.

I discover there are search functions much like Autotrader - you can look for what you want by size, age, colour and distance from home. Well I can’t believe my luck when I tap in my requirements, there’s loads of totty! I knew it, they’ve been sat there ripe for the picking all the time. Within minutes I’ve shortlisted half a dozen guys who have well written profiles, really nice photo’s and good vital statistics listed. Obviously I’m mortally offended they haven’t already contacted me but then again I’ve always been pretty quick off the mark. I lead by example and send a short but friendly e-mail to my key targets....and then I wait.

My first e-mail comes from a guy called David who looks right on the money! He’s 6ft tall with gorgeous dark brown eyes, is in good shape (not that I zoomed in on his topless holiday snaps) and has a beautiful smile. He has a passion for food, a good job and a degree under his belt. He’s a couple of years older than me and says he’s looking for a partner in crime. He’s the one, he’s got to be! On paper he’s everything I’m looking for. We exchange a couple of emails and it just gets better, he comes across as a sharp cookie, likes mountain biking and camping, has me in stitches with his wit and is a huge Spooks fan. So in true MI5 not 9to5 style we arrange a telephone rendezvous for the following evening. I won’t keep you in suspense, we spent an hour chinwagging and could have carried on if I didn’t have to be somewhere. He didn’t immediately arrange to meet and I’m still not au fait with the etiquette but I must admit I would like to have been asked.

Another chat a week later however and I’ve sealed the deal, I hate to admit it but as expected it was me who initiated the meeting and suggested where and when. He was all a bit ‘well I don’t mind, whatever you’d like’ which I took as politeness but was tempted to dismiss as lameness! Being such a dominant female I like a bloke to call the shots with dates as it gives them enough rope to hang themselves with; they’ll either get it right and impress me or I’ll laugh them off the shortlist. I am a little thrown though, it just doesn’t seem as easy to cast ones usual aspersions in the alien environment of Internet dating. However, I am human and I am excited about a date with a man who is profiled to be perfect future husband material.

Underneath all my bravado I am often ridiculously sensible so I arrange to meet in a bar I am very familiar with but isn’t my local (so I feel safe but won’t be stalked if he’s a nutter). I also arrange the standard ‘get out clause’ with my mate of her phoning with news of the mortality of my (thousand times dead already) granny if I text to say he’s a freak. I haven’t told him my address and I’ve said I’m free for an hour or so before meeting a mate so he won’t be able to bore the tits off me if he’s a dweeb but will be left wanting more if he’s a hunk. Not that I’ve thought about this too much at all.

I stroll down there in there in my favourite skinny jeans that have been tumble dried on the hottest setting for extra ass lift, a nice but not revealing jumper and a pair of knee highs that sit somewhere between ‘prim horse rider’ and ‘right goer’. It’s a winning combination if ever I wore one. I’m at the bar first (damn it) but only just, he texts to say he’s just parking and wasn’t familiar with the area but will be there in 30 seconds……and he is, I think. Is that him? He’s looking at me and grinning, he does fit the description and resembles the photo’s and hasn’t lied about his height but as we greet and I assess the full scale model I’m a little flummoxed. He just has this uncanny likeness to Mr Muscle!

Blog 1 - Finding a Man on the Information Superhighway

noreply@blogger.com (Daniella Winters) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:41:00 +0000

So here I am at 26 years old hitting the hard realisation that adult dating has entirely eluded me. I’ve been in back to back relationships from my teenage years up until recently, I’ve had a number of months out there partying and testing my new found freedom but if truth be told I really would like to meet a partner in crime at some point and I am reliably informed that dating is the preferred route. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ve got plenty of time but I want to find out what’s out there now so I don’t start s****ing myself I’m going to be a permanent spinster in 5 years time.

When I was tucked up and blinkered with a boyfriend the internet dating revolution completely passed me by but a funny ad on the TV immediately makes me think I fancy a crack at it. I don’t lack confidence as a person and I seem to have chatted up every good looking bloke in every bar in this city and been disappointed to find that they haven’t got a brain cell to rub together between them! I’m also shocked to find that they all seem to be about 21 (or less) so either all my age appropriate matches are elsewhere on a Saturday night or I must be subconsciously trying to pull the demographic I would have 5 years ago.

Internet dating seems like an obvious (not to mention efficient) way of casting the net wider and if initial communications are via e-mail I can at least check out their level of literacy before wasting any time on someone who isn’t going to stimulate me upstairs. I’m not being harsh, I’m just realistic and don’t want to risk dying of boredom while giving some unlikely candidate a chance. The way I see it, if I’m out there looking and considering this route to market then surely some of my male counterparts are doing exactly the same. So I crack on and sign up to the advertised site.

The individual dating profiles seem akin to the sort of details estate agents put together to sell a house; ‘22 years old with great features and a fantastic front elevation….’ You catch my drift? It’s obvious that you’ve got to sell yourself on here and I’ve been in sales for years so I attack the task in hand with a competitive air acknowledging I need to pitch this at just the right level to sort the wheat from the chaff.

I want to get a few photo’s on my profile, I’m an averagely pretty girl but I do have a crowd pulling smile and no fat ass so that’s a good start. Apparently the weighty girls (as Calvin Harris would say) have a habit of limiting their photo’s to head and shoulder shots which should be banned under the Sale of Goods Act in my book. I don’t have any recent pics of myself and I’m obviously going to do my hair and put something decent on but I’m not going to prance in front of the lens like a show pony. My mate kindly snaps away at me sat on a bench in the local park while I grin with gay abandon and pretend it’s entirely spontaneous and not completely staged. I’m quite pleased when we upload them and my mate insists they are a good likeness.

I write a witty intro about myself seasoned with a good dose of feisty personality and a dash of my inappropriate sense of humour, they need to know what they’re getting into! I ensure there is a distinct lack of cheese (you wouldn’t believe what sap some people have written on their profiles) and I tick boxes saying I like live music, animals and outdoor pursuits. My final hook is “Message me, I’m famous….I was in the local advertiser in 1986 for winning the primary school ‘Best Dressed Potato’ competition”.

I go live and the messages come flooding in, mainly wanting clarification about the exact nature of the potato competition but it’s a start. I set to checking out the quality of my prospective suitors……..with a reasonable list of parameters of course.