Things have calmed down after Sunday lunch. Roomie has realised she’s being completely daft about Mick and hypocritical in the light of ‘brothergate’. It turns out her and Mick had a few snogs many years ago and although she has claimed this has nothing to do with her objecting I suspect it probably has! We have agreed that I can do as I please but she just doesn’t want to hear about it.
CF is still texting like crazy from Aus. Late at night I can’t help thinking about it and pining like a soppy idiot. If he stopped contacting me then we’d just be able to drift apart but he is obviously still dithering as he just won’t let that happen. When I’m busy and having fun I feel really positive and keep thinking ‘I don’t need him’. So that’s what I’m trying to do…
But I can’t find anything exciting to do so I just keep going out for a few bevies’ with Roomy. I’m not sure if I feel pride or shame when the bouncers on the doors of some of the local bars greet us by name! We’re halfway between patrons and veterans in their eyes I think! So it’s Friday and that’s what we do.
So this is how we roll on an average night out…We stroll to the bar pretending not to notice that anyone else exists but we are of course casing the joint for any potential excitement…or competition. At the bar we pretend to be ensconced in deep conversation with each other but we are just making nonsense small talk whilst operating a deeper scan. The bar man greets us and asks if we’re having our ‘usuals’. We hope no one else heard that, we don’t want to become predictable after all.
In an ideal world whilst drinking and pretending to chat to each other we identify likely targets and start a series of moves including ‘come hither’ eyes, receiving an approach and some small talk. In reality what usually happens is we end up getting sloshed and having some completely unimportant debate that would sound like two drunken tramps arguing to an outsider. The latter is what happened that fateful night. Until about midnight when Mick and his friends walk in.
Well in my partially inebriated state I have completely forgotten the average kiss and he looks even more handsome than usual through my beer goggles! Roomie doesn’t seem to notice my cougar like slobbering over the poor lad. I don’t pounce immediately but if I’m truthful I’ve already decided that will be the outcome later on. Until we are kicked out at about 2am we all have a really good night, drinking and dancing etc…
As soon as everyone pours outside I just disappear to the taxi rank round the corner with Mick. Roomie will know the score, and she’ll also know that by doing it like that I was trying not to rub her nose in it. So this could be a lot of fun…until we rock up outside his house and I think ‘bit big for a young lad of his age’ and realise it’s his parents house! You know me by now, if I’ve committed to something then I’ll always go through with it even if I have the strongest feeling of impending doom/disappointment/disaster!
Well my instinct was right and I should have known better; I am way past creeping up the stairs so as not to wake parents, stepping over guitar amps to get to the bed and waking up to do the walk of shame down past a lounge door where a Dad is sitting with his eyebrows raised.
Dani
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Blog 15 - Ladies, Please!
You’re not even wondering what I did next because you just know I text back immediately. I can hear you shouting at me but I want him to want me. To justify things in my own tiny little mind I’m elaborating the meaning of his text to also include remorse for him being an idiot, the desperate want to work things out and missing me like crazy. In hindsight I don’t actually think he’s complex enough to fit all those things between the lines but it made me feel better. Within seconds I’m back to square one dreaming about a new life in the sunshine.
It quickly becomes apparent to everyone around me where my head is at again and they’re not least concerned about the size of my international phone bill. I catch Roomy at the worst possible time one night that week – when she’s been at the pub since leaving work. I get a proper dressing down for being a weak idiot in her usual style; few but very cutting words! She says I’m taking the bait he dangles when his ridiculous ego realises I might not be hanging from his coat tails any more. It hurts, but she’s right. My old neighbour is a very well respected psycho analyst and she says he is keeping me at a certain emotional proximity. Too close and he panics, too far away and he pulls me back in. It’s all very messed up and unlikely to lead to happiness.
Roomy says I should distract myself, it’s the only way. She said to get back on the dating site straight away. Then she changed her mind and said the results wouldn’t be immediate enough and that I should make it my business to pull tonight. At that point Roomy’s good mate Mick walks in. Perfect. I have known him as Roomy’s friend for about ten years but didn’t actually notice what a good looking man he’d become until now. He has a beautiful smile, is always bright eyed and bushy tailed and is a lot of fun. As we all meet and greet in the pub Roomy see’s my thoughts flash across my beady little eyes…and takes me to one side in a very un-subtle way. She says not to ‘even think about it’ because he’s like a brother to her. What?? And if even if he was her real brother what’s the big deal? People’s siblings get it together with their friends all the time. In fact it’s a pretty common way of meeting people.
I know better than to try and negotiate with Roomy more than 2 glasses of wine down the road however. As it turns out she’s had enough and is knackered so she stumbles off home pretty quickly…and I’m left with Mick and a load of Roomy’s work mates of which neither of us know so we pretty much only have each other to talk to anyway ;) I love his laugh and the way he’s really quick witted. We have a few drinks and while away about 3 hours without even realising it. He walks me home and we have a snog on the way. Which is ‘nice’ but to be honest I expected more from it, it’s all a bit polite. It’s seems like, I’m his friends friend so he thinks he should be careful with me!
When I get home Roomy is soundo so luckily I don’t get an earful. She doesn’t ask anything the next day either but it’s pretty obvious she’s in a strop with me. It’s ridiculous and I haven’t done anything wrong so I’m not going to waste my breath trying to sort it out. These things always blow over between us, we may be best mates but we’ve always disagreed on a regular basis!
At the weekend we have our neighbours (who have become our mates) over for a long Sunday lunch. It’s always boozy and they think it’s hilarious hearing about all the escapades and drama’s of the party flat downstairs. At one point we’re all sat at the table (pretty well oiled by nice wine from Dr C upstairs) and while everyone else is in conversation I start ruminating about the weeks events. Still pretty flummoxed over why Roomy got the hump about me fancying Mick I suddenly remember something….
‘YOU SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER!’ I shout at her while standing up and pointing like a woman possessed. ‘YOU’VE GOT THE CHEEK TO GIVE ME STICK ABOUT MICK AND YOU SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER 2 YEARS AGO…...AT MY PARENTS PARTY’. The others are sat there staring, covering their mouths half in hilarity and half in shock.
For once, Roomy sits there speechless and with her mouth gaping. Dr C then intervenes; ‘Come on girls, what’s this all about?’. And we explain ourselves like school children. Well, he does cook for us on a pretty regular basis and is always there for medical advice, a shoulder to cry and to feed our cat.
It quickly becomes apparent to everyone around me where my head is at again and they’re not least concerned about the size of my international phone bill. I catch Roomy at the worst possible time one night that week – when she’s been at the pub since leaving work. I get a proper dressing down for being a weak idiot in her usual style; few but very cutting words! She says I’m taking the bait he dangles when his ridiculous ego realises I might not be hanging from his coat tails any more. It hurts, but she’s right. My old neighbour is a very well respected psycho analyst and she says he is keeping me at a certain emotional proximity. Too close and he panics, too far away and he pulls me back in. It’s all very messed up and unlikely to lead to happiness.
Roomy says I should distract myself, it’s the only way. She said to get back on the dating site straight away. Then she changed her mind and said the results wouldn’t be immediate enough and that I should make it my business to pull tonight. At that point Roomy’s good mate Mick walks in. Perfect. I have known him as Roomy’s friend for about ten years but didn’t actually notice what a good looking man he’d become until now. He has a beautiful smile, is always bright eyed and bushy tailed and is a lot of fun. As we all meet and greet in the pub Roomy see’s my thoughts flash across my beady little eyes…and takes me to one side in a very un-subtle way. She says not to ‘even think about it’ because he’s like a brother to her. What?? And if even if he was her real brother what’s the big deal? People’s siblings get it together with their friends all the time. In fact it’s a pretty common way of meeting people.
I know better than to try and negotiate with Roomy more than 2 glasses of wine down the road however. As it turns out she’s had enough and is knackered so she stumbles off home pretty quickly…and I’m left with Mick and a load of Roomy’s work mates of which neither of us know so we pretty much only have each other to talk to anyway ;) I love his laugh and the way he’s really quick witted. We have a few drinks and while away about 3 hours without even realising it. He walks me home and we have a snog on the way. Which is ‘nice’ but to be honest I expected more from it, it’s all a bit polite. It’s seems like, I’m his friends friend so he thinks he should be careful with me!
When I get home Roomy is soundo so luckily I don’t get an earful. She doesn’t ask anything the next day either but it’s pretty obvious she’s in a strop with me. It’s ridiculous and I haven’t done anything wrong so I’m not going to waste my breath trying to sort it out. These things always blow over between us, we may be best mates but we’ve always disagreed on a regular basis!
At the weekend we have our neighbours (who have become our mates) over for a long Sunday lunch. It’s always boozy and they think it’s hilarious hearing about all the escapades and drama’s of the party flat downstairs. At one point we’re all sat at the table (pretty well oiled by nice wine from Dr C upstairs) and while everyone else is in conversation I start ruminating about the weeks events. Still pretty flummoxed over why Roomy got the hump about me fancying Mick I suddenly remember something….
‘YOU SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER!’ I shout at her while standing up and pointing like a woman possessed. ‘YOU’VE GOT THE CHEEK TO GIVE ME STICK ABOUT MICK AND YOU SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER 2 YEARS AGO…...AT MY PARENTS PARTY’. The others are sat there staring, covering their mouths half in hilarity and half in shock.
For once, Roomy sits there speechless and with her mouth gaping. Dr C then intervenes; ‘Come on girls, what’s this all about?’. And we explain ourselves like school children. Well, he does cook for us on a pretty regular basis and is always there for medical advice, a shoulder to cry and to feed our cat.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Blog 14 - Will power
So what do I do now? I have been searching far and wide…..what for I’m not even quite sure but a hilarious process of deduction has given me a huge list of what I don’t want; indecisive men, overly soppy men, men who spoil the moment and men that act like they’re 12 in bed.
The lack of other distractions sees me back in the arms of C.F., I am a bit despondent about the situation now as I know deep down he’s not suddenly going to sweep me off my feet with promises of forever! He’s quite transparent and you can see one minute he’s thinking about a future for us and asking me ‘life’ questions and the next he’s got cold feet! I’m really frustrated about the situation and sometimes I think if I just hang in here he’ll come to his senses and shake off this ridiculous fear he obviously has. His brother lives in Australia and he talks about it all the time. He’s off there on holiday in a few weeks and keeps talking about moving there one day. I find myself daydreaming about emigrating together and bringing up children in the sunshine.
Until the following week when my Dad gets taken ill. He’s in hospital which is worrying and various test results are inconclusive. It could just be a very serious migraine or it could be something worse. Mum is all in a flap and you can see she’s not thinking straight when she’s making decisions so me and my brother take over. There definitely comes a time when the children start making the parental decisions within a family. The episode lasts about a week with Dad in and out of hospital and different doctors visiting the house with varying opinions and prescriptions to hand out. It’s all very draining and I don’t have much time for C.F. understandably but I’ve told him what’s going on.
When I do eventually stop and take a breath I’m upset and exhausted and predictably just want a hug in the arms of a man. I get no response to my texts, calls or e-mails for about 48 hours until he decides he’s got the horn and finally get’s back to me. It’s the final straw, I can’t believe how selfish/insensitive/idiotic/simple he can be. I tell him in no uncertain terms not to contact me ever again because I blatantly need to get him out of my system and cold turkey is the only way.
I seem to have lost the energy and momentum needed to meet people from the dating site. I think I’ve tired myself out, I have definitely been burning the candle at both ends for some months and I’m not looking great for it! I spend a week or so off the sauce and trying to catch up on some Z’s. I can’t pretend, I’ve been thinking about C.F. far too much and checking my phone far too regularly. Of course I just want him to turn up with flowers to acknowledge what a sh*t he’s been, apologise and get down on one knee. As I know that’s not going to happen in a million years I just have to lick my wounds and wait for them to heal.
The date arrives that he’s off to Aus for a month, I’ve been watching the calendar wondering if he’ll make contact before he goes but he doesn’t. Of course I’ve been telling my mates it’s definitely over and I’m glad he’s going away but I can’t fool myself.
2 days later however my phone bleeps and it's a multimedia message from him; a photo of him smiling on the beach with the caption ‘Wish you were here, x’
Dammit.
The lack of other distractions sees me back in the arms of C.F., I am a bit despondent about the situation now as I know deep down he’s not suddenly going to sweep me off my feet with promises of forever! He’s quite transparent and you can see one minute he’s thinking about a future for us and asking me ‘life’ questions and the next he’s got cold feet! I’m really frustrated about the situation and sometimes I think if I just hang in here he’ll come to his senses and shake off this ridiculous fear he obviously has. His brother lives in Australia and he talks about it all the time. He’s off there on holiday in a few weeks and keeps talking about moving there one day. I find myself daydreaming about emigrating together and bringing up children in the sunshine.
Until the following week when my Dad gets taken ill. He’s in hospital which is worrying and various test results are inconclusive. It could just be a very serious migraine or it could be something worse. Mum is all in a flap and you can see she’s not thinking straight when she’s making decisions so me and my brother take over. There definitely comes a time when the children start making the parental decisions within a family. The episode lasts about a week with Dad in and out of hospital and different doctors visiting the house with varying opinions and prescriptions to hand out. It’s all very draining and I don’t have much time for C.F. understandably but I’ve told him what’s going on.
When I do eventually stop and take a breath I’m upset and exhausted and predictably just want a hug in the arms of a man. I get no response to my texts, calls or e-mails for about 48 hours until he decides he’s got the horn and finally get’s back to me. It’s the final straw, I can’t believe how selfish/insensitive/idiotic/simple he can be. I tell him in no uncertain terms not to contact me ever again because I blatantly need to get him out of my system and cold turkey is the only way.
I seem to have lost the energy and momentum needed to meet people from the dating site. I think I’ve tired myself out, I have definitely been burning the candle at both ends for some months and I’m not looking great for it! I spend a week or so off the sauce and trying to catch up on some Z’s. I can’t pretend, I’ve been thinking about C.F. far too much and checking my phone far too regularly. Of course I just want him to turn up with flowers to acknowledge what a sh*t he’s been, apologise and get down on one knee. As I know that’s not going to happen in a million years I just have to lick my wounds and wait for them to heal.
The date arrives that he’s off to Aus for a month, I’ve been watching the calendar wondering if he’ll make contact before he goes but he doesn’t. Of course I’ve been telling my mates it’s definitely over and I’m glad he’s going away but I can’t fool myself.
2 days later however my phone bleeps and it's a multimedia message from him; a photo of him smiling on the beach with the caption ‘Wish you were here, x’
Dammit.
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