Blog 21 - Going Underground.

There’s only one answer to this whole mess – going AWOL. Interfering (although it was with the best of intentions) completely backfired and has ended up hurting someone else and leaving me feeling like a prize idiot. Lets face it, nobody wants to be on the moral low-ground. I have been ignoring HS’s e-mails, texts and calls for over two weeks now. It doesn’t come naturally because I’m not the sort of person to ignore things or bury my head in the sand but I’ve decided that entering into dialogue of any sort with him will only do more damage. I don’t deny the part I’ve played in his whole mess but that’s just it; it’s his mess so he should be left to deal with it himself. Judging by his messages I gather she’s giving it to him with both barrels, and deservedly so. He’s done what every girl in love is terrified her boyfriend will do.

The fact he’s hanging in there and taking his punishment from her must mean he loves her though, either that or he just feels so guilty he thinks he should. This has definitely put me off my search. I don’t want to be involved in causing someone else’s unhappiness and I’m now worried that Karma will prevail and the favour will be returned one day when I think everything is hunky dory. Or maybe this has actually been a necessary lesson for all involved?? HS has realised ‘What goes on tour…’ most definitely doesn’t ‘stay on tour!’. His girlfriend is devastated but has probably realised that withholding sex isn’t the way to fix a stressed relationship even though a bloke should be able to keep it in his pants. I’ve learned to ask if the goods are actually available to buy before you test drive or your conscience could get a nasty prick. I also need to learn the art of backing off, when you find yourself in deeper than expected the worst thing to do is meddle further.

I can’t say I’m feeling sorry for myself as I don’t deserve any sympathy but I really can’t face talking to anyone on the dating site at the moment. My mate told me there are specific dating sites for people looking for ‘extra-curricular fun’. I couldn’t believe it when I googled and found plenty of them assuring potential members of discretion. Now I’m not religious but I believe in the vows you take when you get married so I just don’t get this. I know everyone is human and people make mistakes but why take marriage vows and then pro-actively seek affairs?? This really is a lot of doom and gloom to take in.

This whole situation has prompted a few deep thinking sessions for me. I’ve been wondering about fidelity in our modern society. Most people claim to live to the moral standards of monogamous relationships but the statistics claim something very different so why is this? Some men claim they are not genetically programmed to be faithful, previously I thought this was lame. Maybe now I’m thinking it’s true and that the same probably applies to women according to statistics. So why do we make these promises? Are we kidding ourselves that we can keep them when in reality it’s near impossible. Or does the fact we’ve made them attempt to glue us together through the hard times to give us a better chance of survival? All this uncertainty in my own mind is making me feel very pessimistic. I guess I don’t want to admit that really I’m an old romantic and I can’t bear the thought of not finding ‘the fairytale’ eventually.

CF certainly hasn’t gone AWOL in case you were wondering. He’s been well aware something’s been going on in my life to distract me. Although he can be a complete emotional retard at times he seems to have picked up that my passion for another man isn’t the issue here…there’s just an issue! He’s actually been very sweet company. I have a feeling he’s warming to ‘the fairytale’ after all….