Blog 14 - Will power

So what do I do now? I have been searching far and wide…..what for I’m not even quite sure but a hilarious process of deduction has given me a huge list of what I don’t want; indecisive men, overly soppy men, men who spoil the moment and men that act like they’re 12 in bed.

The lack of other distractions sees me back in the arms of C.F., I am a bit despondent about the situation now as I know deep down he’s not suddenly going to sweep me off my feet with promises of forever! He’s quite transparent and you can see one minute he’s thinking about a future for us and asking me ‘life’ questions and the next he’s got cold feet! I’m really frustrated about the situation and sometimes I think if I just hang in here he’ll come to his senses and shake off this ridiculous fear he obviously has. His brother lives in Australia and he talks about it all the time. He’s off there on holiday in a few weeks and keeps talking about moving there one day. I find myself daydreaming about emigrating together and bringing up children in the sunshine.

Until the following week when my Dad gets taken ill. He’s in hospital which is worrying and various test results are inconclusive. It could just be a very serious migraine or it could be something worse. Mum is all in a flap and you can see she’s not thinking straight when she’s making decisions so me and my brother take over. There definitely comes a time when the children start making the parental decisions within a family. The episode lasts about a week with Dad in and out of hospital and different doctors visiting the house with varying opinions and prescriptions to hand out. It’s all very draining and I don’t have much time for C.F. understandably but I’ve told him what’s going on.

When I do eventually stop and take a breath I’m upset and exhausted and predictably just want a hug in the arms of a man. I get no response to my texts, calls or e-mails for about 48 hours until he decides he’s got the horn and finally get’s back to me. It’s the final straw, I can’t believe how selfish/insensitive/idiotic/simple he can be. I tell him in no uncertain terms not to contact me ever again because I blatantly need to get him out of my system and cold turkey is the only way.

I seem to have lost the energy and momentum needed to meet people from the dating site. I think I’ve tired myself out, I have definitely been burning the candle at both ends for some months and I’m not looking great for it! I spend a week or so off the sauce and trying to catch up on some Z’s. I can’t pretend, I’ve been thinking about C.F. far too much and checking my phone far too regularly. Of course I just want him to turn up with flowers to acknowledge what a sh*t he’s been, apologise and get down on one knee. As I know that’s not going to happen in a million years I just have to lick my wounds and wait for them to heal.

The date arrives that he’s off to Aus for a month, I’ve been watching the calendar wondering if he’ll make contact before he goes but he doesn’t. Of course I’ve been telling my mates it’s definitely over and I’m glad he’s going away but I can’t fool myself.

2 days later however my phone bleeps and it's a multimedia message from him; a photo of him smiling on the beach with the caption ‘Wish you were here, x’

Dammit.