There’s only one answer to this whole mess – going AWOL. Interfering (although it was with the best of intentions) completely backfired and has ended up hurting someone else and leaving me feeling like a prize idiot. Lets face it, nobody wants to be on the moral low-ground. I have been ignoring HS’s e-mails, texts and calls for over two weeks now. It doesn’t come naturally because I’m not the sort of person to ignore things or bury my head in the sand but I’ve decided that entering into dialogue of any sort with him will only do more damage. I don’t deny the part I’ve played in his whole mess but that’s just it; it’s his mess so he should be left to deal with it himself. Judging by his messages I gather she’s giving it to him with both barrels, and deservedly so. He’s done what every girl in love is terrified her boyfriend will do.
The fact he’s hanging in there and taking his punishment from her must mean he loves her though, either that or he just feels so guilty he thinks he should. This has definitely put me off my search. I don’t want to be involved in causing someone else’s unhappiness and I’m now worried that Karma will prevail and the favour will be returned one day when I think everything is hunky dory. Or maybe this has actually been a necessary lesson for all involved?? HS has realised ‘What goes on tour…’ most definitely doesn’t ‘stay on tour!’. His girlfriend is devastated but has probably realised that withholding sex isn’t the way to fix a stressed relationship even though a bloke should be able to keep it in his pants. I’ve learned to ask if the goods are actually available to buy before you test drive or your conscience could get a nasty prick. I also need to learn the art of backing off, when you find yourself in deeper than expected the worst thing to do is meddle further.
I can’t say I’m feeling sorry for myself as I don’t deserve any sympathy but I really can’t face talking to anyone on the dating site at the moment. My mate told me there are specific dating sites for people looking for ‘extra-curricular fun’. I couldn’t believe it when I googled and found plenty of them assuring potential members of discretion. Now I’m not religious but I believe in the vows you take when you get married so I just don’t get this. I know everyone is human and people make mistakes but why take marriage vows and then pro-actively seek affairs?? This really is a lot of doom and gloom to take in.
This whole situation has prompted a few deep thinking sessions for me. I’ve been wondering about fidelity in our modern society. Most people claim to live to the moral standards of monogamous relationships but the statistics claim something very different so why is this? Some men claim they are not genetically programmed to be faithful, previously I thought this was lame. Maybe now I’m thinking it’s true and that the same probably applies to women according to statistics. So why do we make these promises? Are we kidding ourselves that we can keep them when in reality it’s near impossible. Or does the fact we’ve made them attempt to glue us together through the hard times to give us a better chance of survival? All this uncertainty in my own mind is making me feel very pessimistic. I guess I don’t want to admit that really I’m an old romantic and I can’t bear the thought of not finding ‘the fairytale’ eventually.
CF certainly hasn’t gone AWOL in case you were wondering. He’s been well aware something’s been going on in my life to distract me. Although he can be a complete emotional retard at times he seems to have picked up that my passion for another man isn’t the issue here…there’s just an issue! He’s actually been very sweet company. I have a feeling he’s warming to ‘the fairytale’ after all….
Dani
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Monday, 16 November 2009
Blog 20 - I try to make amends.
So HS says he really wants to sort things out with his girlfriend and my encouragement is really helping. He says he knows he shouldn’t have had a fling with me or he should have at least told me he had a girlfriend so I could make an informed decision about getting involved with him. No sh*t Sherlock! I should really just cut all contact now but I feel so guilty that I’ve been part of someone being unfaithful that I try to steer him in the right direction.
He says he hasn’t got anyone sensible to talk to that will give him good advice. It’s definitely a common problem as my male friends have all said that to me at one time or another. Guys don’t talk to their friends in the same detail women do. You won’t catch them having a civilised glass of wine trying to thrash out the reasons their relationship is going wrong and what they can do to put it right. If they do talk to their mates the response is usually minimal pearls of wisdom such as ‘…well I dunno, you better just sort it out mate…’ in between football commentary at the pub. HS relays this practically word for word when I ask what his mates have advised.
So it looks like it’s down to me then…and I feel obliged to continue with the free relationship advisory service seeing as I’ve become part of the problem. I’ve told him to look at some relationship advice websites. Sites like that don’t hold all the answers but they help give you ideas and think in different ways when you don’t know what to do. To be fair to him he’s been doing his research and e-mailing me links that suggest different things and asking for my opinion. Over the last week we’ve had a little routine going where he reads up on some stuff when he’s working late and e-mails me his thoughts for the day. I respond when I get in to work the next morning and give my opinion and some things to think about. Good progress was being made, he seemed truly remorseful about what had happened and truly committed to fixing his relationship.
I felt like this chapter was coming to a happy ending and that soon enough he’d be sending me flowers to thank me for my support and telling me he’d proposed to the girlfriend. That would of course absolve me of all the guilt I felt and confirm that there was some kind of divine reason that our paths had crossed in the first place.
Not so. He text me late last night to say his girlfriend had hacked his hotmail account as she’d been suspicious. She’s read everything we'd ever e-mailed to each other. All the details of what happened skiing, me asking to meet up, him ‘fessing up he’d got a girlfriend and then worse….Him telling more intimate and embarrassing details about his relationship than you’d see in a Woody Allen film.
So she’s not just dealing with the horror of finding out her partner had been unfaithful but also the betrayal of all the secrets he’s shared with me. Oh god, how awful. As soon as he told me he had a girlfriend I should have just cut contact there and then. What was I thinking?? She’ll probably hunt me down and I wouldn’t blame her.
He says he hasn’t got anyone sensible to talk to that will give him good advice. It’s definitely a common problem as my male friends have all said that to me at one time or another. Guys don’t talk to their friends in the same detail women do. You won’t catch them having a civilised glass of wine trying to thrash out the reasons their relationship is going wrong and what they can do to put it right. If they do talk to their mates the response is usually minimal pearls of wisdom such as ‘…well I dunno, you better just sort it out mate…’ in between football commentary at the pub. HS relays this practically word for word when I ask what his mates have advised.
So it looks like it’s down to me then…and I feel obliged to continue with the free relationship advisory service seeing as I’ve become part of the problem. I’ve told him to look at some relationship advice websites. Sites like that don’t hold all the answers but they help give you ideas and think in different ways when you don’t know what to do. To be fair to him he’s been doing his research and e-mailing me links that suggest different things and asking for my opinion. Over the last week we’ve had a little routine going where he reads up on some stuff when he’s working late and e-mails me his thoughts for the day. I respond when I get in to work the next morning and give my opinion and some things to think about. Good progress was being made, he seemed truly remorseful about what had happened and truly committed to fixing his relationship.
I felt like this chapter was coming to a happy ending and that soon enough he’d be sending me flowers to thank me for my support and telling me he’d proposed to the girlfriend. That would of course absolve me of all the guilt I felt and confirm that there was some kind of divine reason that our paths had crossed in the first place.
Not so. He text me late last night to say his girlfriend had hacked his hotmail account as she’d been suspicious. She’s read everything we'd ever e-mailed to each other. All the details of what happened skiing, me asking to meet up, him ‘fessing up he’d got a girlfriend and then worse….Him telling more intimate and embarrassing details about his relationship than you’d see in a Woody Allen film.
So she’s not just dealing with the horror of finding out her partner had been unfaithful but also the betrayal of all the secrets he’s shared with me. Oh god, how awful. As soon as he told me he had a girlfriend I should have just cut contact there and then. What was I thinking?? She’ll probably hunt me down and I wouldn’t blame her.
Friday, 30 October 2009
Blog 19 – Warning, this is your conscience testing you!
So is this the start of something beautiful? Sorry to disappoint you but for some reason I just know it isn’t. I had a great time, it really made the weekend and I’ve been smiling all the way home but I’m not daydreaming about the future. This is fairly abnormal for the average girl, usually a holiday romance would lead to visuals of a white wedding with the grooms speech telling the unlikely circumstances of our meeting. Well not this time. I just don’t have the expected urge to re-unite.
HS texts and e-mails often over the next week. The attention is nice and I like chatting to him in any shape or form. CF is still in the background and hassling to see me since I’ve got back but having someone genuinely interested in my conversation and not just game playing to get a quick shag is refreshing. I’m enjoying the banter so much I’m beginning to wonder why I didn’t think there was a future in it. He hasn’t asked to meet yet but we’re only an hours drive/train ride apart.
I’m starting to have the visuals now, not the psycho wedding ones but romantic weekend in London ones. HS lives in the big smoke and I can just imagine him taking me round all the sites and showing me great little bars us country girls would never find on our own. It would be great, all lovely walks along the south bank and long lay ins after late nights out. So I suggest it.
It appears that’s probably not the best plan….as he coughs up he has a girlfriend. I should have known. I can’t say I’m hugely surprised, I didn’t ask and he didn’t tell me. It’s not like anyone lied and in theory it was perfectly reasonable of me to assume he was single. If I’m really honest though….I thought as much. Which is probably why I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to know. This also explains why he wasn’t as forthcoming as I’d expected when we first hooked up.
I feel terrible now, he’s started pouring out all his relationship troubles to me in a heartfelt e-mail and I’m actually giving him relationship advice. It’s so totally wrong for the woman a guy had a fling with to be dishing out tips on how to sort things out with his girlfriend but I sort of feel I need to try and help as I’m now part of the problem. I’ve point blank told him I’m not going to see him again as friends or otherwise but that he can call or e-mail me if he needs to talk (why did I do that??) Now he’s sending me long e-mails about 3 times a day as if I’m his therapist! This hasn’t helped with my faith in men either seeing as he seemed such a nice down to earth bloke. I can actually see why he’s done it though, he’s really not the nasty conniving type, it’s just him and the missus have got into a rut where he’s been lazy and she’s constantly moaning. The sex has dried up between them as there’s more of a battle of wills than any kind of excitement going on so a holiday fling with someone who’s a bit of a laugh probably seemed just the ticket.
I feel terrible. What if I was her??
HS texts and e-mails often over the next week. The attention is nice and I like chatting to him in any shape or form. CF is still in the background and hassling to see me since I’ve got back but having someone genuinely interested in my conversation and not just game playing to get a quick shag is refreshing. I’m enjoying the banter so much I’m beginning to wonder why I didn’t think there was a future in it. He hasn’t asked to meet yet but we’re only an hours drive/train ride apart.
I’m starting to have the visuals now, not the psycho wedding ones but romantic weekend in London ones. HS lives in the big smoke and I can just imagine him taking me round all the sites and showing me great little bars us country girls would never find on our own. It would be great, all lovely walks along the south bank and long lay ins after late nights out. So I suggest it.
It appears that’s probably not the best plan….as he coughs up he has a girlfriend. I should have known. I can’t say I’m hugely surprised, I didn’t ask and he didn’t tell me. It’s not like anyone lied and in theory it was perfectly reasonable of me to assume he was single. If I’m really honest though….I thought as much. Which is probably why I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to know. This also explains why he wasn’t as forthcoming as I’d expected when we first hooked up.
I feel terrible now, he’s started pouring out all his relationship troubles to me in a heartfelt e-mail and I’m actually giving him relationship advice. It’s so totally wrong for the woman a guy had a fling with to be dishing out tips on how to sort things out with his girlfriend but I sort of feel I need to try and help as I’m now part of the problem. I’ve point blank told him I’m not going to see him again as friends or otherwise but that he can call or e-mail me if he needs to talk (why did I do that??) Now he’s sending me long e-mails about 3 times a day as if I’m his therapist! This hasn’t helped with my faith in men either seeing as he seemed such a nice down to earth bloke. I can actually see why he’s done it though, he’s really not the nasty conniving type, it’s just him and the missus have got into a rut where he’s been lazy and she’s constantly moaning. The sex has dried up between them as there’s more of a battle of wills than any kind of excitement going on so a holiday fling with someone who’s a bit of a laugh probably seemed just the ticket.
I feel terrible. What if I was her??
Friday, 23 October 2009
Blog 18 - Great Ski Weekend...Not much Skiing!
The fact I got to ski school on time the following morning was nothing short of a miracle. We were out until all hours partying with the stockbrokers and when HS walked me back to the apartment I’m sure our farewell’s took at least an hour. I felt pretty special that morning but it’s amazing how the fresh air, Italian coffee, lunchtime drinks and a hot shower revived us enough to go out again that night.
HS and I had been texting a lot that day anyway so it was no co-incidence when he walked into ‘Bar Roma’ where we were drinking with his mate Tom. He’d shaken off the rest of the crowd for the night and my lot were off home for an early night knowing that Jane and I would stay out with these guys.
We had a much quieter but still very entertaining evening drinking wine, playing cards and having a really good laugh. Jane and Tom were getting on like a house on fire which left us plenty of time for private conversation, not that it needed to be quiet but you know what it’s like when you’re getting to know someone. Jane is one of those amazing girls who can find something in common with everyone…genuinely, and when it comes to being a pulling sidekick she’s ideal. She’ll merrily make the most of a situation but won’t take it too seriously either.
When the guys walked us home it wasn’t too late and we weren’t too sloshed. I was starry eyed and liking HS more and more by the minute. He didn’t even ask me to go back to his hotel so it felt like we were building something quite genuine. Don’t get me wrong, I hadn’t lost my mojo…..I just wanted to hang it out til the last night!
Our last day skiing was brilliant, the whole team were in such a good mood and it was one of those rare days when the sun was hot but the snow was still powdery. We had a long laughter filled lunch outside and then spent the rest of the afternoon playing ski tag on some little red runs through trees.
Our last night of partying was no let down either. We had a rowdy, drinking game filled sing song after dinner in the same bar as all the stock brokers. HS and I kept on winking at each other and sneaking off for a quick snog but it was important for us to both spend time with our teams on the last night. When they each started trailing off through either drunkenness or tiredness I went and grabbed his hand and said we should go. We walked back to his hotel through the snow holding hands and giggling.
It was a very fun and very passionate night. After very little sleep and giggling goodbyes in the morning I ran back to the apartment I was sharing with Jane to find her with hat and coat on saying the mini-bus was here to take us to the airport! After speed packing and a mouthful of coffee I jumped on the bus to high fives and cheers…They wouldn’t expect any less from me.
HS and I had been texting a lot that day anyway so it was no co-incidence when he walked into ‘Bar Roma’ where we were drinking with his mate Tom. He’d shaken off the rest of the crowd for the night and my lot were off home for an early night knowing that Jane and I would stay out with these guys.
We had a much quieter but still very entertaining evening drinking wine, playing cards and having a really good laugh. Jane and Tom were getting on like a house on fire which left us plenty of time for private conversation, not that it needed to be quiet but you know what it’s like when you’re getting to know someone. Jane is one of those amazing girls who can find something in common with everyone…genuinely, and when it comes to being a pulling sidekick she’s ideal. She’ll merrily make the most of a situation but won’t take it too seriously either.
When the guys walked us home it wasn’t too late and we weren’t too sloshed. I was starry eyed and liking HS more and more by the minute. He didn’t even ask me to go back to his hotel so it felt like we were building something quite genuine. Don’t get me wrong, I hadn’t lost my mojo…..I just wanted to hang it out til the last night!
Our last day skiing was brilliant, the whole team were in such a good mood and it was one of those rare days when the sun was hot but the snow was still powdery. We had a long laughter filled lunch outside and then spent the rest of the afternoon playing ski tag on some little red runs through trees.
Our last night of partying was no let down either. We had a rowdy, drinking game filled sing song after dinner in the same bar as all the stock brokers. HS and I kept on winking at each other and sneaking off for a quick snog but it was important for us to both spend time with our teams on the last night. When they each started trailing off through either drunkenness or tiredness I went and grabbed his hand and said we should go. We walked back to his hotel through the snow holding hands and giggling.
It was a very fun and very passionate night. After very little sleep and giggling goodbyes in the morning I ran back to the apartment I was sharing with Jane to find her with hat and coat on saying the mini-bus was here to take us to the airport! After speed packing and a mouthful of coffee I jumped on the bus to high fives and cheers…They wouldn’t expect any less from me.
Friday, 9 October 2009
Blog 17 – Time to get away and out of the spotlight.
Lucky for me Mick seemed to actually expect that the event was just a one off. It was like I was crush he’d had for years and now he’d realised the dream he was as happy as a sand boy! I’ve been wiping my brow in relief as I was dreading upsetting Roomy by having this fling with her mate and then having to find a way of tactfully giving him the brush off!
CF arrived home from Aus and when he invited me round to look at his photo’s I did just that. Never mind that I could have just seen them on Facebook. I just can’t defend myself any longer, I am inexplicably attached to a man who is no good for me and gives me very little of what I want or need. I’m well aware of this which is why I don’t treat the ‘situation’ with any respect and keep searching for something better. Familiarity is so nice sometimes though, but I realised the right sentiments weren’t behind it when he fell asleep straight afterwards and didn’t even hear me leaving. I just didn’t feel comfortable falling asleep there too, says a lot really.
Getting into all this strife is so exhausting, I’m definitely ready for a break and the company ski trip couldn’t arrive a minute too soon. There are only six of us in the business and our boss wants us to have fun so it's unlikely there'll be any boring meetings, it really is just a jolly! We are all feeling pretty jammy and in high spirits on the way to the Alps and I personally have really been looking forward to a change of scenery. My skiing is pretty terrible so I can’t wait to brush up on my skills, breath in some fresh mountain air and have a laugh with my work mates.
We are staying in this gorgeous tiny resort in Italy, it’s all very stylish and no rowdy groups anywhere which suits us fine. On the first evening we are all chilling in this lovely bar after dinner. Jane (another singleton) and I are looking around agreeing there’ll be no mischief on the menu this weekend….Until right on cue the doors of swing open and a huge group of guys walk in. They all look between 25 and 40, are well dressed, many are very attractive specimens and I can hear that they’re English. Bingo.
So this is the deal; our ‘manor from heaven’ are stockbrokers on a corporate trip. The rest of the team are shaking their heads in amusement as Jane and I get up and walk to the bar without even saying a word. Queuing at the bar is a great advantage point to cruise the joint from and we identify our targets within about 3 minutes. There’s usually a group within a group if you look carefully and this gang of half a dozen late twenty to early thirty somethings’ suited us down to the ground. Stockbrokers are known to be a sociable bunch so it wasn’t difficult to start the banter.
They turn out to be a great bunch, and don’t even remotely fit the sexist macho stereotype that might be associated with that profession. My attention was on someone quite specific from the moment the crowd walked in however. It was a combination of things that attracted me; his height (6’4”), his t-shirt was my favourite colour (green), his eyes sparkled and his smile shone. I can’t say that he was shy but he wasn’t as forthcoming as I expected him to be after we’d spent some time having a laugh and getting to know each other. At some point in the evening he just seemed to loosen up though, it was like he’d decided he was just going to go with the flow. I don’t think it was the alcohol lubrication but I wouldn’t rule it out!
After that point we separated off into a corner of the bar with Jane and a guy she’d been chatting up all night. We had such a good time, it was snowing outside and we were in one of those warm, laughter filled bubbles of an evening. Jane and I decided we needed to ship out at about 3am because we had ski school booked for 9!!! Whilst snogging to keep warm outside in the cold my handsome stockbroker (HS from now on) tried to persuade me to go back to his hotel room but as much as I was tempted I wanted to see where this would go….and having a one night stand probably wouldn’t take it very far....
CF arrived home from Aus and when he invited me round to look at his photo’s I did just that. Never mind that I could have just seen them on Facebook. I just can’t defend myself any longer, I am inexplicably attached to a man who is no good for me and gives me very little of what I want or need. I’m well aware of this which is why I don’t treat the ‘situation’ with any respect and keep searching for something better. Familiarity is so nice sometimes though, but I realised the right sentiments weren’t behind it when he fell asleep straight afterwards and didn’t even hear me leaving. I just didn’t feel comfortable falling asleep there too, says a lot really.
Getting into all this strife is so exhausting, I’m definitely ready for a break and the company ski trip couldn’t arrive a minute too soon. There are only six of us in the business and our boss wants us to have fun so it's unlikely there'll be any boring meetings, it really is just a jolly! We are all feeling pretty jammy and in high spirits on the way to the Alps and I personally have really been looking forward to a change of scenery. My skiing is pretty terrible so I can’t wait to brush up on my skills, breath in some fresh mountain air and have a laugh with my work mates.
We are staying in this gorgeous tiny resort in Italy, it’s all very stylish and no rowdy groups anywhere which suits us fine. On the first evening we are all chilling in this lovely bar after dinner. Jane (another singleton) and I are looking around agreeing there’ll be no mischief on the menu this weekend….Until right on cue the doors of swing open and a huge group of guys walk in. They all look between 25 and 40, are well dressed, many are very attractive specimens and I can hear that they’re English. Bingo.
So this is the deal; our ‘manor from heaven’ are stockbrokers on a corporate trip. The rest of the team are shaking their heads in amusement as Jane and I get up and walk to the bar without even saying a word. Queuing at the bar is a great advantage point to cruise the joint from and we identify our targets within about 3 minutes. There’s usually a group within a group if you look carefully and this gang of half a dozen late twenty to early thirty somethings’ suited us down to the ground. Stockbrokers are known to be a sociable bunch so it wasn’t difficult to start the banter.
They turn out to be a great bunch, and don’t even remotely fit the sexist macho stereotype that might be associated with that profession. My attention was on someone quite specific from the moment the crowd walked in however. It was a combination of things that attracted me; his height (6’4”), his t-shirt was my favourite colour (green), his eyes sparkled and his smile shone. I can’t say that he was shy but he wasn’t as forthcoming as I expected him to be after we’d spent some time having a laugh and getting to know each other. At some point in the evening he just seemed to loosen up though, it was like he’d decided he was just going to go with the flow. I don’t think it was the alcohol lubrication but I wouldn’t rule it out!
After that point we separated off into a corner of the bar with Jane and a guy she’d been chatting up all night. We had such a good time, it was snowing outside and we were in one of those warm, laughter filled bubbles of an evening. Jane and I decided we needed to ship out at about 3am because we had ski school booked for 9!!! Whilst snogging to keep warm outside in the cold my handsome stockbroker (HS from now on) tried to persuade me to go back to his hotel room but as much as I was tempted I wanted to see where this would go….and having a one night stand probably wouldn’t take it very far....
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Blog 16 - Cougaring
Things have calmed down after Sunday lunch. Roomie has realised she’s being completely daft about Mick and hypocritical in the light of ‘brothergate’. It turns out her and Mick had a few snogs many years ago and although she has claimed this has nothing to do with her objecting I suspect it probably has! We have agreed that I can do as I please but she just doesn’t want to hear about it.
CF is still texting like crazy from Aus. Late at night I can’t help thinking about it and pining like a soppy idiot. If he stopped contacting me then we’d just be able to drift apart but he is obviously still dithering as he just won’t let that happen. When I’m busy and having fun I feel really positive and keep thinking ‘I don’t need him’. So that’s what I’m trying to do…
But I can’t find anything exciting to do so I just keep going out for a few bevies’ with Roomy. I’m not sure if I feel pride or shame when the bouncers on the doors of some of the local bars greet us by name! We’re halfway between patrons and veterans in their eyes I think! So it’s Friday and that’s what we do.
So this is how we roll on an average night out…We stroll to the bar pretending not to notice that anyone else exists but we are of course casing the joint for any potential excitement…or competition. At the bar we pretend to be ensconced in deep conversation with each other but we are just making nonsense small talk whilst operating a deeper scan. The bar man greets us and asks if we’re having our ‘usuals’. We hope no one else heard that, we don’t want to become predictable after all.
In an ideal world whilst drinking and pretending to chat to each other we identify likely targets and start a series of moves including ‘come hither’ eyes, receiving an approach and some small talk. In reality what usually happens is we end up getting sloshed and having some completely unimportant debate that would sound like two drunken tramps arguing to an outsider. The latter is what happened that fateful night. Until about midnight when Mick and his friends walk in.
Well in my partially inebriated state I have completely forgotten the average kiss and he looks even more handsome than usual through my beer goggles! Roomie doesn’t seem to notice my cougar like slobbering over the poor lad. I don’t pounce immediately but if I’m truthful I’ve already decided that will be the outcome later on. Until we are kicked out at about 2am we all have a really good night, drinking and dancing etc…
As soon as everyone pours outside I just disappear to the taxi rank round the corner with Mick. Roomie will know the score, and she’ll also know that by doing it like that I was trying not to rub her nose in it. So this could be a lot of fun…until we rock up outside his house and I think ‘bit big for a young lad of his age’ and realise it’s his parents house! You know me by now, if I’ve committed to something then I’ll always go through with it even if I have the strongest feeling of impending doom/disappointment/disaster!
Well my instinct was right and I should have known better; I am way past creeping up the stairs so as not to wake parents, stepping over guitar amps to get to the bed and waking up to do the walk of shame down past a lounge door where a Dad is sitting with his eyebrows raised.
CF is still texting like crazy from Aus. Late at night I can’t help thinking about it and pining like a soppy idiot. If he stopped contacting me then we’d just be able to drift apart but he is obviously still dithering as he just won’t let that happen. When I’m busy and having fun I feel really positive and keep thinking ‘I don’t need him’. So that’s what I’m trying to do…
But I can’t find anything exciting to do so I just keep going out for a few bevies’ with Roomy. I’m not sure if I feel pride or shame when the bouncers on the doors of some of the local bars greet us by name! We’re halfway between patrons and veterans in their eyes I think! So it’s Friday and that’s what we do.
So this is how we roll on an average night out…We stroll to the bar pretending not to notice that anyone else exists but we are of course casing the joint for any potential excitement…or competition. At the bar we pretend to be ensconced in deep conversation with each other but we are just making nonsense small talk whilst operating a deeper scan. The bar man greets us and asks if we’re having our ‘usuals’. We hope no one else heard that, we don’t want to become predictable after all.
In an ideal world whilst drinking and pretending to chat to each other we identify likely targets and start a series of moves including ‘come hither’ eyes, receiving an approach and some small talk. In reality what usually happens is we end up getting sloshed and having some completely unimportant debate that would sound like two drunken tramps arguing to an outsider. The latter is what happened that fateful night. Until about midnight when Mick and his friends walk in.
Well in my partially inebriated state I have completely forgotten the average kiss and he looks even more handsome than usual through my beer goggles! Roomie doesn’t seem to notice my cougar like slobbering over the poor lad. I don’t pounce immediately but if I’m truthful I’ve already decided that will be the outcome later on. Until we are kicked out at about 2am we all have a really good night, drinking and dancing etc…
As soon as everyone pours outside I just disappear to the taxi rank round the corner with Mick. Roomie will know the score, and she’ll also know that by doing it like that I was trying not to rub her nose in it. So this could be a lot of fun…until we rock up outside his house and I think ‘bit big for a young lad of his age’ and realise it’s his parents house! You know me by now, if I’ve committed to something then I’ll always go through with it even if I have the strongest feeling of impending doom/disappointment/disaster!
Well my instinct was right and I should have known better; I am way past creeping up the stairs so as not to wake parents, stepping over guitar amps to get to the bed and waking up to do the walk of shame down past a lounge door where a Dad is sitting with his eyebrows raised.
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Blog 15 - Ladies, Please!
You’re not even wondering what I did next because you just know I text back immediately. I can hear you shouting at me but I want him to want me. To justify things in my own tiny little mind I’m elaborating the meaning of his text to also include remorse for him being an idiot, the desperate want to work things out and missing me like crazy. In hindsight I don’t actually think he’s complex enough to fit all those things between the lines but it made me feel better. Within seconds I’m back to square one dreaming about a new life in the sunshine.
It quickly becomes apparent to everyone around me where my head is at again and they’re not least concerned about the size of my international phone bill. I catch Roomy at the worst possible time one night that week – when she’s been at the pub since leaving work. I get a proper dressing down for being a weak idiot in her usual style; few but very cutting words! She says I’m taking the bait he dangles when his ridiculous ego realises I might not be hanging from his coat tails any more. It hurts, but she’s right. My old neighbour is a very well respected psycho analyst and she says he is keeping me at a certain emotional proximity. Too close and he panics, too far away and he pulls me back in. It’s all very messed up and unlikely to lead to happiness.
Roomy says I should distract myself, it’s the only way. She said to get back on the dating site straight away. Then she changed her mind and said the results wouldn’t be immediate enough and that I should make it my business to pull tonight. At that point Roomy’s good mate Mick walks in. Perfect. I have known him as Roomy’s friend for about ten years but didn’t actually notice what a good looking man he’d become until now. He has a beautiful smile, is always bright eyed and bushy tailed and is a lot of fun. As we all meet and greet in the pub Roomy see’s my thoughts flash across my beady little eyes…and takes me to one side in a very un-subtle way. She says not to ‘even think about it’ because he’s like a brother to her. What?? And if even if he was her real brother what’s the big deal? People’s siblings get it together with their friends all the time. In fact it’s a pretty common way of meeting people.
I know better than to try and negotiate with Roomy more than 2 glasses of wine down the road however. As it turns out she’s had enough and is knackered so she stumbles off home pretty quickly…and I’m left with Mick and a load of Roomy’s work mates of which neither of us know so we pretty much only have each other to talk to anyway ;) I love his laugh and the way he’s really quick witted. We have a few drinks and while away about 3 hours without even realising it. He walks me home and we have a snog on the way. Which is ‘nice’ but to be honest I expected more from it, it’s all a bit polite. It’s seems like, I’m his friends friend so he thinks he should be careful with me!
When I get home Roomy is soundo so luckily I don’t get an earful. She doesn’t ask anything the next day either but it’s pretty obvious she’s in a strop with me. It’s ridiculous and I haven’t done anything wrong so I’m not going to waste my breath trying to sort it out. These things always blow over between us, we may be best mates but we’ve always disagreed on a regular basis!
At the weekend we have our neighbours (who have become our mates) over for a long Sunday lunch. It’s always boozy and they think it’s hilarious hearing about all the escapades and drama’s of the party flat downstairs. At one point we’re all sat at the table (pretty well oiled by nice wine from Dr C upstairs) and while everyone else is in conversation I start ruminating about the weeks events. Still pretty flummoxed over why Roomy got the hump about me fancying Mick I suddenly remember something….
‘YOU SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER!’ I shout at her while standing up and pointing like a woman possessed. ‘YOU’VE GOT THE CHEEK TO GIVE ME STICK ABOUT MICK AND YOU SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER 2 YEARS AGO…...AT MY PARENTS PARTY’. The others are sat there staring, covering their mouths half in hilarity and half in shock.
For once, Roomy sits there speechless and with her mouth gaping. Dr C then intervenes; ‘Come on girls, what’s this all about?’. And we explain ourselves like school children. Well, he does cook for us on a pretty regular basis and is always there for medical advice, a shoulder to cry and to feed our cat.
It quickly becomes apparent to everyone around me where my head is at again and they’re not least concerned about the size of my international phone bill. I catch Roomy at the worst possible time one night that week – when she’s been at the pub since leaving work. I get a proper dressing down for being a weak idiot in her usual style; few but very cutting words! She says I’m taking the bait he dangles when his ridiculous ego realises I might not be hanging from his coat tails any more. It hurts, but she’s right. My old neighbour is a very well respected psycho analyst and she says he is keeping me at a certain emotional proximity. Too close and he panics, too far away and he pulls me back in. It’s all very messed up and unlikely to lead to happiness.
Roomy says I should distract myself, it’s the only way. She said to get back on the dating site straight away. Then she changed her mind and said the results wouldn’t be immediate enough and that I should make it my business to pull tonight. At that point Roomy’s good mate Mick walks in. Perfect. I have known him as Roomy’s friend for about ten years but didn’t actually notice what a good looking man he’d become until now. He has a beautiful smile, is always bright eyed and bushy tailed and is a lot of fun. As we all meet and greet in the pub Roomy see’s my thoughts flash across my beady little eyes…and takes me to one side in a very un-subtle way. She says not to ‘even think about it’ because he’s like a brother to her. What?? And if even if he was her real brother what’s the big deal? People’s siblings get it together with their friends all the time. In fact it’s a pretty common way of meeting people.
I know better than to try and negotiate with Roomy more than 2 glasses of wine down the road however. As it turns out she’s had enough and is knackered so she stumbles off home pretty quickly…and I’m left with Mick and a load of Roomy’s work mates of which neither of us know so we pretty much only have each other to talk to anyway ;) I love his laugh and the way he’s really quick witted. We have a few drinks and while away about 3 hours without even realising it. He walks me home and we have a snog on the way. Which is ‘nice’ but to be honest I expected more from it, it’s all a bit polite. It’s seems like, I’m his friends friend so he thinks he should be careful with me!
When I get home Roomy is soundo so luckily I don’t get an earful. She doesn’t ask anything the next day either but it’s pretty obvious she’s in a strop with me. It’s ridiculous and I haven’t done anything wrong so I’m not going to waste my breath trying to sort it out. These things always blow over between us, we may be best mates but we’ve always disagreed on a regular basis!
At the weekend we have our neighbours (who have become our mates) over for a long Sunday lunch. It’s always boozy and they think it’s hilarious hearing about all the escapades and drama’s of the party flat downstairs. At one point we’re all sat at the table (pretty well oiled by nice wine from Dr C upstairs) and while everyone else is in conversation I start ruminating about the weeks events. Still pretty flummoxed over why Roomy got the hump about me fancying Mick I suddenly remember something….
‘YOU SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER!’ I shout at her while standing up and pointing like a woman possessed. ‘YOU’VE GOT THE CHEEK TO GIVE ME STICK ABOUT MICK AND YOU SLEPT WITH MY BROTHER 2 YEARS AGO…...AT MY PARENTS PARTY’. The others are sat there staring, covering their mouths half in hilarity and half in shock.
For once, Roomy sits there speechless and with her mouth gaping. Dr C then intervenes; ‘Come on girls, what’s this all about?’. And we explain ourselves like school children. Well, he does cook for us on a pretty regular basis and is always there for medical advice, a shoulder to cry and to feed our cat.
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